Monday, August 21

Yesterday, he came over to surprise me for a Sundate, leaving all his works behind and hopping on an 8-hour bus ride in total just for one day date in the city. As I’m writing this I still can’t forget that glow when I first saw him picking me up at the train hub. I still have the image of him smiling looking at me, and that’s how the rest of the day goes — him looking at me and just smiling. That smiling eyes almost drives me crazy. You know how your face just glow being kissed by the golden sunlight in the evening? I think that’s how I get my glow from for being so in love with my own bestfriend. And never did one day passed when I forgot thanking God for having my man as my bestfriend.

I didn’t write much about how he made me so happy. Not that I don’t want to let the world know how a person is capable of making my heart to about explode from happiness, but God, I just don’t want to share him with the world. Remember when I used to write about how the beauty inside and out knows no bound. And for those who don’t see are foolish but one day, one day you’ll find that one person who will admire each and every part of you. And now, nothing beat this feeling of being loved and in love with a person whom you’ve been waiting for the rest of your life.

I’m still learning to get used to having someone whom I can share good news with. I’m still learning to get used of having someone asking for my hand when crossing the road. When my phone beeps at the oddest hour now, I know I have someone I can trust to unleash my most vulnerable side when no one else have seen yet. To have someone who actually wants to hear what I have to say is the most precious thing in this day and age. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come across numerous people who will listen to me talk for hours but that’s the only because they have nothing to say. To find someone who has a lot to say but also wants to hear all about that day when you accidentally wore different pair of sandals to your friend’s wedding is rare.

Crazy how he is still here despite seeing me in my bubbliest form for the past two years and my miserable side at 3 am. And here he is, looking at my eyes when I was crumbling on the floor, trembling trying to ash my last cigarette over the glass wall we had in our room. I still can’t believe I could find someone who can put me in ease when I’m fighting my suicidal nights. I could still remember his smell when I was in his arms for 20 minutes straight not doing anything and we were sitting on the floor hugging each other overlooking the streetlights in line and stargazed. That warm hugs and forehead kisses still keep me going through my blackest nights. And that ‘‘look at me’’ while holding up my chin when I’m too embarrassed with my own self, is what reminds me that it’s okay to have no one with you but only this person to get through your life. It’s hard to believe sometimes because I mess up a lot. I have more failures than successes. I have cracks and scars. I’m not even close to perfect. But he loves me anyway. And I am learning to accept that love.

For years, I still didn’t get the meaning behind the simple words of ‘‘I love you’’. It sounds great on paper, but what does it truly mean, in a practical sense, to love someone? And more importantly, how does it feels like? Does butterflies really dance in your tummy? Does your heart is about to explode when it races? Does it really make you lose your mind for a second as if you were on the heaviest drug in the whole world? Maybe it’s those things too but maybe it’s something else entirely.

It’s all really elemental but for me, to love a person is finding yourself getting homesick for a person. It’s innocent and pure feelings that I can never explain. You know how you like yourself better when you’re with him. And how some people and their souls make you feel lucky to be alive and to meet them in this life. How you wished, even in the next life, or if parallel universe even exist, you just want to be reborn again as the same person and to meet him as the same person. I now learned that to love a person is seeing yourself healing. You know how when a particular person brings out a part of you that you never knew existed. As an other side of the many best versions of yourself.

And now, to love this person is seeing us slow dancing at 3am to Cant Help Falling in Love by Haley Reinhart, just being ourselves so comfortably and without a care in the world. To love each other endlessly, looking each other in the eyes and knowing it’s now us against the world. To whatever future holds, and to more days together. And to more mornings to wake up to, knowing that you are loved by the person you want the most. To more days with you, sayang.