March.
The times where I silently think to myself that if I had the ability to freeze time, this would be it. Right here, right then. This spot, lying on my couch while typing on my laptop awkwardly placed up on my chest, I seriously could feel the heat from this 5-hours-overheat Macbook. This strange position gives me backaches but I’m too tired to even care about changing it, meh. I would lie at this spot, amidst this room of a mess, looking at my two girls; planning up our next trip for a sleepover. In any day, I would press stop right at this moment, when I anxiously waiting for your reply when you’re done with your training. When my hand nervously reached my phone after a beep buzzed in. I would lie at this spot, this uncomfortable college chair where I sat with my legs crossed, remembering the faces of my favourite people and end up giggling thinking of how our path crossed in a funny way.
I guess it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on. I heard people around me mumbling mantras like “you’re different than before” “you’ve changed” and all the sayings you could’ve figured by now. Well to be honest, I'm totally aware of that, and I’m glad you people actually could see that. You know why? Because at least I’m not staying as the same decent girl you knew three years ago, I dont have time to stay lingering around being the same exact girl like before. I have a path to walk on, and here I am.
Often I always remind myself if I’m not with somebody who really excites or inspires me, then I’d rather be by myself. To distract you people ― my readers, from my infrequent Instagram and Tumblr, and in response to the astronomical number of questions I’m getting on ‘are you seeing someone at the moment?’ I thought I’d throw together both your answers to everything you had on your mind and explanation to what’s really happening, here. Rather than compiling a thousand Q&A’s into one painfully long post, or write an essay about my perspective on life, I’ll just keep it vague.
You know sometimes when you asked for a good person in your life but God send you in a pack? That’s what happened to me for the past two years, after I stopped looking for good people in my life. I just let things be. I stopped chasing for people, I stopped to at least try finding people with good hearts because, on that day, I decided I can go through things on my own ― with or without people. I’m not sure what push me to do so but the only thing that lingers inside my head of how tiring it must have been all this while to get consumed by the thoughts of being appreciated by people around me. I can’t be the only one who fight for people, I can’t be the only friend who tries to reach out. I can’t, when everything is pressing me down, I just get tired of things. I don’t do fixing, I let things go.
And today, look at how God shine upon me with these people around me. For the past 23 years of living, today is the day I’m truly grateful for things I’ve ever done. I’m glad I decided to talk to this girl when I got first at the interview session. I’m glad I exchanged names with her despite murmuring things inside my head like don’t talk to me, please no. I’m glad I decided to join their dinner that night in February. I’m glad I chose that empty sit beside you that night and we made small talks I couldn’t remember. I’m so glad I could say yes to most of those lunch dates with everyone. I’m glad I decided to be the bubbly girl with cue of silly jokes up in my sleeves everytime. And I’m so glad I didn’t say no to just hopped on the new Whatsapp group you made just to invite me along. Despite everything else, I’m so glad I didn’t do the chase but you guys did. 2015 introduced me to a whole new meaning of strange but I am grateful to have met all these people. I wrote in this little book of mine a few months back, “Sometimes you come across the most interesting people in the most unexpected ways. And maybe it isn’t your definition of the perfect meet up, but it does not make it any less”.
My birthday month this time, would be the last time I’ll be surrounded with these people with beautiful hearts and you. I don’t know what God have for me in the store about this but I’ll just keep walking on this path to see. I’ll remember how that pair of innocent eyes light up when you talk about things you love. I’ll remember how hard you’ve been trying to reach out your hand when you see me limping with things. I’ll remember that good heart of yours. I’ll remember those late night calls when I just wanted to pee. I’ll remember the scent lingers from your sweatshirt, I’ll remember all these small things not knowing where this could lead me to. Maybe, one day ― one fine day, when I’m so sure of myself, I’ll tell the whole world on how I’ve discovered a real gem in my life. And asked you on your face “where have you been all this while?”