You don't deserve my best.

Thursday, November 3

We tend to hurt the people we love. Have you heard of that phrase before? I'm sure everyone has. Despite the truth that lies in the saying, it doesnt mean its okay for anyone to do so. Because eventually, they will just get sick and tired of being the punching bag and realise that some things aren't worth the pain anymore. Don't wait til they walk away for you to see the damage you have done. Blaming others is just an escape escape clause. Have a look in the mirror once in a while, do you see your mistakes? Do you see your flaws?

My life has been filled with lots of unpleasant moments lately. But the other day, I reached rock bottom. Despite the fact what happened approximately a week ago threw a big impact to me, but I don't feel at all lost. To be honest, I actually felt..relieved. I felt like I could breathe again, like I could just be myself without having any insecurities or deal with unnecessary drama. For the first time in weeks, perhaps maybe months, at that precise moment, I don't feel the need to change. I felt absolutely fine being myself.

The day that I actually knew everything, everything - was the worst. You know what I mean when I said, "truth is hurt but lies are worst." I sort of crying, screaming for a moment of time but then I realize, what for? What for? My biggest exam is near, too near. I dont think I should waste of my time because of this, all of these. I only could hold on to myself with just only a piece of strength that Nadiahbs and my girlfriends gave. Thats it. Just a little of it.

I just don't need an explanation for what I got for this month. So this is maybe the God way to test me. The first week of October, I got admitted. The second week I had to face with those disciplinary and teachers things. The third and fourth, I knew the truth about something that actually nearly choking me inside out. I knew about a friend, yet I used to call her as a bestfriend - and now being a backstabber instead. And the worst thing, I lost the one that I hold onto for all this while.

October have treat me real pathetic - like seriously. Only God knows how hard I tried to face everything without using my emotion. Back then, I wanted to get high school over and done with so bad but now that I'm here, I don't have that feeling of anticipation. Instead, I feel sad. Unfortunately, its something I have to go through.