To see me fall is the worst wish,

Wednesday, January 18


“Of course I've changed. We all change. We all grow up, grow wiser, grow distant from the things we never thought we would. We all learn to laugh a little more and cry a little more and be a little more silly. We all slowly start to forget the people we once cared so much for, start to let the memories fade, and the faces blur. I have changed, and I will always be changing. For the better or worse, is a matter of perception. But don't tell me I've changed like it isn't inevitable.”

— Via raindropsonredroses.

I woke up this morning, feeling all lazy to crawl down the cozy bed. I took my bath for approximately about half an hour. I made myself a hot chocolate and checked my email. I've always flatters when it comes to checking my inbox, receiving a few emails from readers of this blog, not to forget some emails of notification from my other social networks. A single line of email sent by an anon and to be honest, panic surged through my whole body. I wonder why on Earth there's still a bunch of people that can't see others happy, having a complete life. I wonder why God still create these people. Funny thou. I, myself, sometimes envy people that actually having a better life than mine, its an indescribable feeling seeing others living in such perfect life, you know?  

I'm not perfect. I am a normal human being. I'm not a typing machine who never did any mistakes. I'm not a typing machine who never feel anything. I make mistakes, some are small like lying in bio, forgot the date for meeting. Some are huge, like sneaked out and jolly in the gig, stealing what is not mine. Please, be alarmed, but don't be shocked and naive, because yes, I am a normal human being. I'm like you, I also have people I look up to and people I wish I could be. As if being myself isn't enough.

So when I read this email from this anon, saying that I've changed a lot. I tried to recall a few bad things I've ever did all through these 18 years, and I found a few. So maybe I never realize ever did I do something that might hurt others, or whatnot. I don't know. I might have hurt most people around me, with my selfishness and my uncontrollable emotional state. I know, and I've tried my best to change my flaws for a better and I failed a few times.

I've been labelled. I have been taunted and called names. I've also been cursed and accused with adjectives I truly despise.Why and by whom you may ask. You know, I was nothing back then in 3 years ago. A 15 years old brat who knew nothing, but everything changed when I got involved with Ad's band. I was a back singer at first, I don't really have a nice voice which can melt your heart by singing a slow swing song. No. My voice is suck, and I barely can reached the high pitch note. A few years past, and I called myself a cat-lover who sings. A superhero that sings for the band. Performing with the band at the bay is such an honour for us, and the only think in my mind is not all about popularity, but its all about money.

As I entered boarding school in 2010, pursuing my study in Science stream which is all was decided by my parents and I, as a decent eldest daughter, just followed what they said. These past two years, you, my readers, my family and my friends, know me as who I portray on a daily basis. A young student who writes a lot, sharing her thought and feeling she felt here, with you guys. A lucky plain-Jane who complete her high school in  one of the most top ranked boarding school in Malaysia, and just end up her high school and now she's doing nothing rather than completing her manuscript for her first book. That is 100% true. However, as I said before, I am a human being. I have flaws and imperfections.

I failed in most exams. Yes, FAILED. I played a lot. I skipped extra classes. I fought with teachers. Just a month or perhaps two (I've lost track of time) before the big exam, my dad received a call from my school informing him that I have failed almost all my classes and am threatened to be dropped out from the school, and to highlight - I did something bad to the teachers. Not to write what, but if you guys who read this were from the same batch with me would know what I'd did. And yes I admit it, I was wrong that time.

But no worries, I have end up my high school really well. I promised my dad to study hard in the academy with a promise that I will do better and will no longer disappoint. So here I am, try to change for a better, working hard for a better life, writing this in attempt to explain to the anon, that you don't know what actually had happened to me and you judging me from my past. You just, wrong. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know a single thing about me.

I do hope for you to wish me the best of luck. And of course, I also hope for your forgiveness and understanding. Today, I have announced my defeat. But I am proud to let everyone know who I really am. Whoever you think I am is completely your decision, but I am definitely not a hypocrite and am not a perfect "popularity minded" brat.

Photo was taken when my cousin and I were 2 years old (maybe). -- On your left is me.