Look Back & Laugh

Saturday, March 31

Own phs & editing by me.

Just to update and make it clear that I'm not dead yet.

Let me just skip this part right here, Hong Kong for two nights is great except the weather early in the morning is really killing me and forcing me to crawl down my bed like a lizard trying hard to get out from the blanket. Everything is fine except that I am getting lost with all those forms that need to be submit before the deadline when I reached home. The fact that the trip is not really a holiday trip is really bad idea and I'm just being a kid who is living in a small space, eating an instant ramyun for two days without being able to visit some beautiful places. Sad laif.

So to those who apparently trying to figure out what exactly my SPM result, my result is not as great as people who get straight A's but to get this is enough, more than enough actually. Obviously, I chewed on my thumb until it almost bleeds because I was so like, what the hell was happening?! When I was holding the slip with those line up 5As printed on it, I was really like — seriously?! At least my result managed to ease the pain I felt inside for almost two years that full of heart-wrenching times. For almost two years I'm as depressed as the crap stuck in the ass of a donkey that's constipated. Everyday in the two years was like violent twisting that made me to be someone who I'm not. Remembering back the moment I had whole two years back then is enough to make me feel a bit dis·ap·point·ed for what I've done — to listen to my dad to enter the boarding effing school. I didnt say that I regret for entering that school, no, just that. I dont know.

But right now I don’t know how but this strange feeling of the depression I used to have all the time is overwhelming me right now. And it’s making me listen to Radiohead (and I only would listen to Radiohead during that time in my life before) it's like the music that speaks to you. That gives you goosebumps when you hear it. That makes you dance. That makes you cry. Those special bands that the minute you hear them, you hear the memories behind them. Which honestly is a blessing and a curse, but I still love the music all the same. I've got no desire to hurt myself but something telling me I should self-harm even though I’m not going to and I don’t even feel the need to? Or maybe it’s like a sense of longing, like I want to go back to that, and I've definitely said this before, I wish I could feel five minutes of that awfulness again. Why I would ever crave something so fucking terrible, I don’t know, is that how addictions work? I don’t f-ing know how I was able to function, or laugh, or smile, or act like nothing bad was going on at all, and I’d hate for this to sound over dramatic but I don’t know how I survived. Why would I crave that ever again ?

I don't know, I think I'm really tired right now that my mind have stop synchronize with my own thoughts and feeling. Everything is mixed. I need more sleeps and stop being a hardcore reblogger on my Tumblr. I just need to stop for awhile. Just that.