Someplace along the way

Tuesday, October 9

Ph from my instagram.             .

Ever since I was young, I never liked how I looked. How I looked, how my skin color looked, and how my hair looked. I didn't like how my confidence was different than others. I didn't like the fact that I never knew how to stand up against people instead of hiding away. As growing up I have been taught to always hide my true feelings and never trust anyone, even my own family. Because of my upbringing, I see the entire world as an enemy to be governed, and has always kept my emotions under lock and key. Day by day, I've been growing someone else in me— the coldest person in the world.

Well, I was a rather emotional child growing up, and I cried at the drop of a hat and every tear I shed was sincere. As you can imagine or can’t, this didn't go over well with my mom, because she just didn't want me to be “weak,” didn't want me to fall prey or become victims, as she saw herself. Out of love, my mother taunted me for “always crying” and being so emotional, as she would put it. Little by little, I learned to not cry for the world to see. As I got older, not crying developed into not expressing anything true but instead saying one thing and running away to write down what I really felt in a journal, poem, story, whatever. My words were my therapy, and they still are.

Up until tonight, or the wee hours of this morning when I wrote this, I felt attacked every time because with every fight, the issue is about me, and my habit of keeping my feelings to myself until he confronts me about the things I’m grumbling underneath my breath. Tonight, I have to finally admit, I don’t like sharing feelings, especially bad feelings with the one I am with for fear of rejection, ridicule, being misunderstood and/or all of the above.

Because at the end you know what people going to say at me? — "Is this what your parents taught you? If you had something you were grateful or sorry for you'll get more angry, temperamental, stubborn and wrongly accuse someone by forcing them into a corner. If you are grateful, you should say 'thank you'. If you are sorry, you say 'sorry'."

I'm just tired.

I'm just tired with myself.

I'm just tired yknow because of ah everything.