I'll fix myself,

Monday, November 11

It is terrifying to think that one day you will trust somebody enough to let them see you naked. You will undress and remind them that you've stretch marks and birth marks and scars from having chicken pox when you were little and scars from all of the other things now. You will blush thousands of shades of red, painting yourself as a rose losing its petals. And that person — that person will take it all in. And I wonder if they will reassure you. But mostly, I wonder if they will even see anything worth reassuring you about. I hope they see each freckle on your back as if it’s a star and you are the whole universe to them.

I get scared, when I think of the idea having that person in your life, sharing a bed together, and having every day waking up and being able to reach across and touch them, feel the warmth of their body, waking up and looking at them while they’re still sleep. I want that to happen but on the other hand I realized that I look so fucked up in the morning like ew and I don’t want anyone to see me until I take a shower so this won’t work. And yes, it does excited me when I can find parts of myself in someone else but I end up caught up in a gut wrenching truth that I am not good enough, and can never be good enough to anybody.

I am always afraid to open up to somebody and tell him every secrets I always wanted to keep to myself because they were those pasts I always wanted to bury deep. You know why? Because those pasts are the reason what am I today, a cold person with nothing but miserable thoughts in her head.

I am afraid, if one day he discovers every little ugly sides of me; how I looked like when I'm sleeping, how my voice sounds like when I wanted to cry, how I sleep with heavy breathes because of too cold that my body shaking late at night, how swollen my face is when I just woke up from sleep, when I farts, when I burps, when I cried to sleep on my first day of my period cramps come kicking in, when I sit on the floor kitchen giving up at my fifth trials to bake your favorite chicken pie and you had no idea how frustrated I am at that time, those ugly sides that only you will know because you promised me to accept all the ugliest sides and flaws before you could imagine that I am full of flaws and imperfection here and there, I am sorry, I tried to be the best, but this is all I had.

Trashes of emptiness, but I can promise you one thing,
I will be the best for you with whats left in me,
as long as you're with me, loving me 
while I'm fixing myself.