Wednesday, February 22

I decided to end things, this time. I felt bad for my soul a few times the nights after but not anymore. I found my way back ― the cold night in the shower room, a few puffs right beside the exhaust fan, the dark corner at the bottom side of the bunk bed, the long paused between my laughters and the empty mind at the dining table when everyone else is laughing over some stupid jokes. Maybe the only person that will never grow tired of me is just me. It’s lovely to know how I still know how to cope with my chronic worrywarts self, when everyone else is just trying to survive their life as well.

I stopped feeling comfortable opening up to anyone years ago. I don’t know what happened but maybe that’s just a sign of growing up, you feel like your problem is nothing compare to the world. And right after, I lost everyone significant in my life. I don’t think I have a person to call a bestfriend anymore. I keep things well within myself but sometimes it slipped. Even if I do open up to a person, I can only do a few times and end up keeping things to myself the next time because I’ve always felt like it’s burdening to that person to soak my heavy thoughts. If you keep things to yourself, you get suffocated. If you pour out, you get stuffy inside too. I dont even know what to do anymore.

I would often feel bothered by how I tend to overthink situations. I used to believe that I had a problem of being too quick to fascinate over something and find myself completely dismissing it the next. It came to a point where I felt like I couldn’t commit to anything without worrying how I would feel about it in say three weeks time. Mind you, being surrounded by people constantly thinking you are going through a “phase” or hoping to bring you back to this idea of you that they have in their heads do not make it any easier for you to feel comfortable about being the way you are.

However, in their defence, it is how they see things. And we see different things.

I wonder how many seconds of insane courage it would take me to get up and walk away from everything I’ve ever loved. To never look back and willingly end up lost. At one point in your life, you’ll feel like your back is against the wall and there’s no point in looking for a way out. Today I caught hold of that feeling, a black restlessness settled in my bones and urged me get lost and run away. Sometimes I think it would solve all of my problems and that all of the people who ever used me would wake up with saddened hearts and guilty minds. It would be nice to leave behind a world of hurt for a beautiful, bright light.