Dysfunctional,

Saturday, April 23

Guessing I've recovered from my momentary temper-mentality. A slight bit dramatic and heck loads irrelevant it was. I've never felt more like a teenager these past few months in my entire youth. One day I would love someone so much that I'd demand a ring around my finger, and then I would just break all connections to the human race on the next. So much mixed emotions in a short period of time. A hassle, a chaos.


KLPAC invitation fr my keyboard manner performance that I received past few days, I still keep them as a secret from my parents cause I'm sure as hell they would nt allow me to go since I'm sitting for a bloody sick SPM this year. What's really under my skin right now is my studies. Still. Contemplating. On. Whether. To change school. Or not. What makes me so sure that I'd be better off in arts? Absolutely nothing.


I've started drawing. I've always wanted to be good at drawing. It seems like a skill that everyone should master to express their feelings in a quaint manner. If everyone were to do just that, the world would be peaceful and everyone would just shut up; which happens to be extremely brilliant most of the time. Anyhoo, I finally put some effort into drawing. Wishing I could master the skill but not doing anything about it is rather futile.


At now, I am in state of uncontrollably of all sorts of emotions ranging from confusion to depression. If there was a word to substitute depression, trust me, I'd use it. Depression is such a.. faggy word cause even 12 year olds use em. I feel like I don't have the willpower to stay alive. Why the fuck am I so emotional? Frankly, I am blank myself. I don't know the exact reason to why I've been feeling like this, but there are many contributing factors.


I felt a bit down at this moment. I miss Nadiahbs, I miss how she could blow me a wind that could make I stand back again. I wonder, do people build you up just to watch you crumble back down? Cause like it or not, we don't stay at the top forever. We spend most of our time climbing our way up and try to cast away all the obstacles that barge in. And these people who help you climb up, I mean, it's not like they're going to be sticking around forever. Truth is, everybody leaves. The ones you thought were gonna hold your hair back when you vomit on your wedding day, the ones who help plan your wedding and also the one you plan on marrying. They will all leave.


So do th bestfriend that I would call her as 'kawan sehidup semati'. And now everything had gone. Right now, I honestly wish some people would change. Well scratch that, I wish a lot of people would change. I wish they would just wake the f- up. The world doesn't revolve around them. You don't scream at little children who accidently hit you with shopping carts. You don't roll down your windows to scream some more at slow traffic. And why do people litter? I mean fuck, all you have to do is just keep your trash in your pocket and throw it out when you see a bin.


What I do is never enough. What I do is always wrong. You want me when Im at my best but leave when Im at my worst? Then dont bother being here with me. Dont bother. Why went searching for me when I was gone? Why say all those words if you know youre going to end up leaving? Why give so much hope to a naive sixteen year old and end up crashing her, breaking her apart? Why. Why. Why.


Then, to whom who read this, please. I'm unconditionally feel nothing. And I swear, you're just like a pill. Instead of making me feel better, you keep making me ill. My life right now, its at rock bottom. Its deeper than rock bottom. Its bad. Its not all about butterflies and sunshines, but I wouldnt want it in a different way. Because this is today, you might not know whats going to happen tomorrow. So I have faith, and hope. And it makes me happy knowing that I'm capable of being a better person and enjoying the little things life has to offer.


To those that have cared for me and left, fuck you. To those that said theyll be with me through whatever and end up doing the opposite, fuck you. To those that were onced close to me, onced were bestfriends and end up stabbing me at the back, fuck you. To those that have caused so much misery in my life, fuck you. Family, friends, lover. Dont ever say the word love if you people are going to end up leaving. Fuck you. Fuck this.