I was in a fugitive movie,

Friday, July 1

Just done helping my mom with kitchen chores. Wanted so much to eat porridge and kangkung masak belacan. Only God knows how long I've been wanted to eat them, ugh. So I guess it have been a long time since the last time I helped her cooking was three months ago, I guess. And today I just followed her to the market and brought the stuffs to cook. The market was totally packed and I barely breathing in the bau hanyir ikan and panas. Shit. Spoil habis. Then we drove back home.

And today, I've been telling my mom, sharing a whole lot of stories of what had happened to me these past few days. About how bad Muim and other guys treat me when I fainted in front of them. How careless Abid was when he can only told me "Alah, duit saya RM100 je hilang." I mean, RM100 JE, how can JE? My gadd. And how nice Huda taught me everything and gave me strength to stop thinking like I was the only one who's falling apart.

Mummy told me about how high the whole family put an expectation on my SPM result later. She told me how glad she is if I could get those 9As for her, and a bunch whole of out family would be so proud of me. Somehow I realize, how important I am in this family. Just because of I am the first daughter, the first grand-children that my family own, and those hopes are now on my shoulder. Sometimes I feel burdened. I have a lot in my mind, but I somehow can't seem to get it out.

I don't know. I just, don't know. I don't feel that I am capable to fight all these anymore. Sometimes I feel lost, and yet when someone who closed to me whisper those strong wind, I get back the strength. So maybe I reckon on others too much, maybe. I don't know. I just don't know. Ok to be honest I'm already starting to hate how pointless this post is, but whatever.

I think I should stop writing now. Till then, bye.