Waste of space.

Sunday, February 26

Own ph & editing by me.

Like you don’t know what’s going on anymore. Like you don’t care about anything anymore. You’ve lost motivation to do anything. Your mind is set on too many things that you are confused about your feelings, and you can’t explain how you feel either. The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. Feeling that no one understands you anymore. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not known who that person was? I have, in fact, I do every single day. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't the person I was, am, and will be. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I am not a good person. Anyway that is what my mind keeps telling me. I really don't mean to hate myself. I want to like myself but my mind seems to never let me. Over and over all day long I get thoughts of hatred towards myself. It never goes away.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I don't know who I am or why I am this way or what to do about it. I push people away when they start to like me. I don't let anyone get close to me as a friend because I'm scared I will say or do something stupid thus making me hate myself even more than I do. I don't want to tell anyone how I feel. I feel as though I am going crazy though. I don't want to hurt myself anymore but sometimes this pain inside is so unbearable. I repeatly see myself shooting my own brains out.

I am starting to think the only answer is learning to live with it. It's a hard struggle though. Living like a recluse helps but I can't do that forever. I don't know how to stop hating myself so I can have a normal life. All I ever wanted was a normal life without this hatred.I am never doing the right things, or saying the right things. I am not as good of a person as I ought to be. I can't change the world with a well performed monologue. I can't save people, and I feel that I can't be saved from myself. I've made a lot of dumb choices in my life, and I can't fix them and that kills me. I've hurt people without knowing it (until years later) and I've hurt myself without knowing it (until minutes or hours later).

I'm not happy. I don't know know why.