All alone,

Friday, October 19

I have been thinking a lot about myself these past few days. I think I have come to a point in my life where I've learned from my own experiences, where those experiences of mine contradicts most of things I've been taught through out my childhood until today. And one of em is about honesty. So this post is going to be whole about honesty. I'm not going too deep into lies and betrayal, or else I might have to make a horrible judgmental post, no one wants that I assume?

I really need to get this thought off my chest. I'm just rambling here, I hope you don't mind reading. I've been in confused thoughts lately. I don't know if this due to effects from shell shock. I'm starting to have concentration problems and yes lately I did have a problem tolerating with my emotions. Its not like I feel bad for myself, just I don't have any idea what is happening with me.

Yesterday was the worst. There was an accident occurred last night, and yes (of course) I have to see that person back because he is in a hospital. So I just looked at him laying on the bed and wait for my dad to come in without saying anything. I mean, do I really need to apologized? Do I really need to sincerely apologized to him? I'm having a severe headache, its like throbbing my brain out at that moment.  Its very sharp pain that was constant. So what do you expect at that time? Seeing me sobbing at his side with pale face?

Why did you do it? 
What do you want?  
If you died, who were you going to blame?
So how much were you going to rip off from me? 

Those came out from my mouth. I myself cannot imagine seeing myself like that. I was confused at that state I can't even look at myself anymore. That was the first time I ever saw myself with such an attitude-- I swear to god I dont know who is that girl anymore. Disformed and distorted in all shape and form. I guess the thoughts of everyone-in-the-world-is-untrustable-and-an-enemy in myself have grew stronger lately. Cold and picky. I don't know if I should nodded my head for that labels. I think I have been growing up as a girl with no manners, not knowing how to say thanks when I need to, and not knowing how to apologize when I needs to.

My personality is extremely bad. But I also don't have a choice. These are the principles in this world. The people alive are all the same. Its like spicy soup — isn't that name strange? If there's egg, its called egg soup, if there's beef ribs, its called beef ribs soup. But this is just spicy soup. Its soup that's spicy, then there's nothing else. No matter what ingredients you put inside, its still spicy soup. Its just... that it feels like the way I live is like the spicy soup. Not knowing what was put inside. Its just spicy.