Keep things going,

Thursday, August 15

Sorry if I might disappoint some of you with this post.

I dont know if I should write these mixed feelings I am having right now or not. I am feeling suicidal now, and lately I regularly have bad thoughts more than anything I could handle. I know I might looked weak right now for writing this but here is the only place I could right down all of these bad bad bad thoughts that played in my mind.  Am I a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because I feel suicidal, am I? I didnt even really mean that I want to die - its just I have more pain than I can cope with right now. If you try start piling weights on  my shoulders, I will eventually collapse if you add enough weights... no matter how much I want to remain standing. I would cheer myself up, if I could.

Its been going on really bad since these past few weeks, but today its getting more serious. I've always thought about suicide about like 2-3 times a week. But lately I've been thinking about it everyday. And today, I went driving out, alone, I was thinking to hit the bridge's fences and thinking how long it would take for my car to sink in down the river. All along the road today, I was also thinking what will happen if I keep speeding my car, will my car hit the divider and went to another lane, how long it will take for another car to hit my car. At home, like there was a hammer on our kitchen counter I picked it up and wondered how long would it take for me to die if I bashed my head in with it. I lean over a ledge on the top floor of my house and wonder if I should jump and when I hit then ground would it be instant? When I walk alone and when the cars drive by I always think all it takes is one little step and I'm gone. I've also started banging my head against walls (I know it's weird even for me) it's like I can't stop. But the truth is (and I am still glad) that I am not a cutter. I dont do stuffs like slitting my wrists (anymore).

But the most serious thing is, there is this one thing I keep intended to do, like all the time I would start thinking of swallowing all the pills I kept in my medicine box. I would start thinking maybe that's the easiest way I could do at that time. Without knowing, I start to write a suicide notes everytime I hold a pen and there's paper along. I dont know what is happening. I dont know whats going on right now. Everything is just so wrong. 

I dont know how long can I keep this going.

I just dont know.