Angel beneath,

Monday, December 9

There is particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. Like the painted silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. Loving you was a lot like that. In every glimpse I took of you, in every breathing sound I heard of you and the smells I sniffed of you, there ere some inexplicable reason that I feel more connected to you more than anyone else. But it terrifies me when I looked at you -- closely -- trying to remember every details of your face, trying to reach out for your warm hands and put both my hands in yours and I would laid my head on your shoulder and secretly sniffed your body. I dont know, I was always afraid, of the idea that would be the last time for me to be there, right beside you. 

Perhaps because I know people like you, carries an angel within them -- one sent to me for some higher purpose, to teach me an important lesson or to keep me safe during a perilous time. What I must do is trust in them -- even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering -- the reason for their presence will become clear in due time. And I was warned that -- I may grow to love this person but I need to remember that you are not mine to keep. Your purpose isnt to save me but to show me how to save myself. And once this is fulfilled, the halo lifts and the angel leaves your body as the person exists my life. You will be a stranger to me once more.

And that was not just a mere complexion of my imagination, I was once been told that every person in our lives has a lesson to teach. That is why I'm afraid, that you might be one of some lessons that are meant to teach me, and eventually left me when you're done.

And trust me, when I hesitate in answering your "do you love me", I wasnt doubting about my feelings, I never did. I dont know how you are so familiar to me -- or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before -- in another time, in a different place -- some other existence.