/ Please slow down, a little.

Friday, January 17

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you’re like feeling okay but you’re really sad at the same time and you just want to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying so you kind of just sit there being really sad -- that's how exactly I feel right now. Lately I've been really awkward to my own self even when I'm alone, talking about my feelings inside my head. I dont know. I'm feeling a bit lost these past few days. My mind wanders a lot until I cant keep up with its pace and I'm left behind panting. 

I dont know, I'm not saying that I like seeing myself looking this miserable at this moment, but I kind of love the idea of me just being me in my own space without even bother of thinking something complicated. It's been a couple of days, I found myself, burn my skin from a shower, staring at every gap between tiles in the shower room, I dont know what was I thinking, but I was there for like a few hours until I felt my eyes get this burning pain from the shampoo so that makes me left the shower room right away.  

I lost focus in every movement I did and every thing I did/do. Today, I just got bruise on my left arm, two long cuts and I dont know where they came from. So I just sit at the balcony, and kissed every of them instead of putting some plaster shits on them, because I know, instead of hiding them, it would be better if I let them healed themselves. Then, I went out for a jog, not really sure if its still some kind of jogging or just walk-in-park kind of evening, but an hour later, I found myself walking for 5km not knowing any idea what was I thinking and what I just did for the past few hours. 

And then when I feel not talking to anybody, I would just keep myself silent and then I'm lost in my thoughts again. In a car ride, I would just let myself sink in with the view I had when I look out the windows and the reflection from the left wing mirror. When I finally got back from a tiring day, I just wash all my sheets until they smell of lemon detergent I bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. I chopped my hair off with my bare hands and then the next day I went to the saloon, asked them if it's okay if I go bald and you know what I get? I just get yelled at and she just fixed my hair with a bob-cut, which I kind of loving it now. It reminds me a lot how I looked like when I was a kid back then. Ha ha ha.

I now can sleep-in on Saturday mornings and wake myself up early on Sunday, woke up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. I think sometimes I've got to love my own self because I know no one can love my very own flaws except me. I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I've finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken.