Monday, January 27

I screwed up everything, real bad, this time.

I get this feeling a lot, that feeling of momentary sorrows you get when you stand in front of that vast aquarium. And you felt lost and hollow just like the bottle you just drained off. You felt your knees weak, your palm froze and your feet just got cold as if you are barely standing on a frozen lake. 

“They absorb the pain and bitterness and keep right on sponging it up until they drown. Maybe that’s why nobody’s really worried about going off and wreaking havoc. It’s not that the seething hatred and need for revenge isn’t there, hell no. It’s just that instead of erupting and annihilating our tormentors, we destroy ourselves instead.” I think most of us can relate to this, albeit the fact sometimes we find ourselves raging but that happens when you can’t bottle it up any longer, for me that is.

I wasn't always like this.

I lost count on how many I told myself that I was at awe, lost. I lose myself in every gap of pages, I lose myself when I laid on my bed facing the stained wall, I lose myself walking between the dead trees at the park, I lose myself in the shower room counting the gap between the tiles, I lose myself in so many ways you couldn't imagine how tiring it was. That word. Loss-lose-lost; I toss, tease and drag the syllables across my tongue until the words feel like a mantra you might murmur to keep the bogeyman at bay. But I have time when I feel content enough I could smile over a plate of roti canai, and laugh over silly jokes. Even receiving a weekly e-mail from Sephora could drew (even slight) smile on my face, I think I am not really that complicated person though. But that will not last long. A few minutes later, I found myself staring at the words until the screensaver transformed them into a school of cartoon fish swimming around a fake sea.

I just want to be alone. My throat constricted and tears welled. I swallowed. And swallowed again. I tilted my head up and looked at the ceiling so that the tears wouldn't fall. Please don't let anyone see me upset. Breathe. Just breathe. I tried to inhale deeply, but the air came and went in jagged little rifts. Maybe I wasn't allowed to taste anything good from the world. Maybe I was made to live alone, without anyone with me. I think I love the idea of getting lost alone better than getting lost together. Maybe the world should let me breathe a little in this suffocating place. It's tiring for fuck sake, it's like a long stretch between two empty road with white walls. 

And at this moment, you know what saved me? 

A figment of my computer.