/ The end.

Saturday, February 22

I have lost count on how many times did I told myself to stop falling in love with my idea of people that I construct in my head. Feelings never make sense. They get you all confused and drive you around for hours until they drop you right back where you started. And so here I am, right at where I started, alone. I think it is possible, to wake up and realizing that you just dont feel the same like you did yesterday. Because feelings are underrated, it's just a matter of perception on how you carry it with you. But my problem is that I fall in love with words, rather than actions. I fall in love with ideas and thoughts, instead of reality. And I am aware that it will be the death of me.

I have this weird theory that some people are drawn to each other because their atoms were near each other when the universe was created and over time the same atoms keep coming back together. There this one time, I also came up with this idea that maybe the little bruises and cuts that show up on your body seemingly out of nowhere are actually little injuries that happened to your soul-mate and you get the same marks on your skin as them. Maybe because I spend so much time sitting around alone, reading novels that mindfuck my mind, I literally just came up with all those theories that sounds absurd at the first place, but makes you think twice. 

Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts. Not mentioning that I always had this weird, empty feeling inside me. Not a bad sort of empty. It was a sort of lack of sensation, like being in pain for a long time and then suddenly realizing that you’re not anymore. Maybe because most of the time, I don’t want people to matter to me too much. Sometimes it hurts too much to think about them. Ones you love who don’t love you, ones who hate you, ones who you think about but never get to be with. I like people but when I get too close, it fucks me up. 

If you ask me today what 'love' means to me, my answer would be different from yesterday, and probably if you ask me again tomorrow, I cant give you the same answer like I did before. Maybe because when I took time finding the answer to that question, my mind wanders to find someone who knows I am sad just by the change of tone in my voice. Wanders to be with someone who loves the feature that I hate the most. Wanders to fall in love with someone who looks at me and knows he never want anyone else. What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

And then something hit me hard this time, my idea of people will never exist.