You again,

Thursday, April 24

I don’t know where to start. My emotions are all over the place right now and I really don’t know how to explain what I feel without giving too much away. I want to be entirely honest with all my readers here but it’s a scary thing, the internet, and people will make silly things out of the simple things. I swear, I swear at this point of my life, I have been thinking as if I dont have any place to go anymore, I dont have anyone I trust to talk to. I have been staring at this screen for almost an hour and I still cant find any word to start pouring down my thoughts, this is crazy. 

I haven’t had much time to blog recently, since I’ve been home from college; heavy thoughts has come up to here *points at forehead* and it’s super exhausting, not mentioning I'm going to start baking again this weekend and I've been secretly working on my manuscript again (for the third time I guess) (oh darling trust me I havent tell anyone about this yet!).

It's been 12 days since I left that place, I have to admit, it's been the same nights I felt as if tears prickling the back of my eyeballs, my cheeks tense with emotions when the thoughts of that person come across my mind. I still get shiver that goes all the way down to my toes and my heart beats a little slower and then changes to double time seconds after when I hear that voice over the phone. It's insane how my chest feels warm and my tummy shakes as if I haven’t eaten for days, when I keep on replaying all the audio notes I kept.

It’s scary to find someone that makes you happy. You start giving them all of your attention because they’re what makes you forget everything bad that’s going on in your life. They’re the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end your day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it’s scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away too when they go.

It's crazy how I refuse to let him in, but he's here already. 
He's here, inside me.

Now you tell me how should I go backward again? I always have this same thoughts, like all the fucking time, I am this two split things, I have this two different side of self. This side of me wanted to stay, the other side of me is ready to just give up. You know what is the most insane thing might going on right now? That I was the only one who have been struggling, there is no such thing as 'this person' and 'that person'. It was me, it was me all alone that have been fighting with feelings /laughs/. And that person?  

Living the day, and tomorrow and every tomorrows, not knowing I was here all along, drowning. 

Regardless what happens from now on, 
I’ll always be thankful we shared that month together. 
Nothing but us.