You'll get tired,

Wednesday, April 30

This is strange, to get this thought once in awhile, while taking a sip or two from this cup of hot tea, I could feel this lump at my chest starts to tighten. And I get scared, of myself, because how terrifying it is knowing that you cant even control yourself, so how do you expect anyone could control you? Now that you already here, I should let you know my biggest fear, I trembled knowing that eventually you will see me, the way I see myself. 

Last night, I started to lose myself once again, it was one of those nights  where sometimes we get sad about things and we dont like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but really dont know why we are sad, so we say we arent sad but we really are. I dont know what's happening, but I'm sure it was one of those nights I hate to be alone. I just feel so fucking empty, at some point, almost like all of my organs and bones have dissolved and all the blood has drained from my veins and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I dont like this feeling, I never like it, but it has made a home in my skin and won't leave.

I think thats the whole point of being with someone, so you can talk to them and let go of everything; and even when you're at your worst, they still like you, they still want to speak to you and care about you. But hell, I need to remind myself all over again, that I never had that 'someone'... so I'll just start rubbing my hands together and sit at the corner of my couch, hugging this warm cup closed to my chest, trying to hold myself together. Because thats the only thing I could do. 

Because I do realized
you're not even closed to my reality, but still, 
tetap aku berhias berwangi berharap kau menjengah mimpi.