In silence and trying my best

Tuesday, July 1

Apologies for the recent scarcity in blog posts. The only reason I can offer in the way of explanation is that I've been enjoying the sort of morbid isolation, actually that's not entirely true, the boring truth is that I've been awfully busy juggling my time between being a normal teen (who gets back home at decent hour for someone with no curfew) and a baby-sitter (who gets sleep-deprived without even have to sleep with the baby at night) (ah my eyebags).

As I'm writing this, I'm already at the 12;40 AM July 1st, I mean where did the first half of the year go?! My fingers still running fast on the keyboard and I still have a burning cig in between my ring and index finger... still convincing myself this would be the last one. I am trying to make this post less depressing, but sitting alone in this cold room is not helping at all. I've been struggling to save myself from drowning too deep in my own thoughts, but this thing *ash the cig* is not helping me to numb the pain.

I dont know what was I thinking to write this at the first place, opening up to stranger(s), knowing that there's someone out there who will read this and feel my numbness of feelings that clogging up inside. I dont know what did I expect as a return, but the only thing that left in my head was "this is it, this is the only safe place for me to pour down all of these bad thoughts".

I actually leaning my back on my cigarette-stained couch in silence and tried my best to reminisce, trying to remember when did the last time I felt so happy I wished the time stayed still.

I didnt remember any.

I cant remember any.

That's a bad thing right? When you cant even remember good thing that happened to your life? I believe there are still good things that happened to me... it's just me, with the wall around her. I'll think of something or maybe I'll bring this thought with me to sleep tonight, maybe by then I could pick one or two moments that makes me feel glad I'm still living my life. Just when I thought I could have a good sleep after pouring down everything in here... sigh. Didnt realize when did I started become this rusty keyboard-typer though.

Untill then xx