Things I kept —

Wednesday, October 1

Just got home... with this wobbly feet dragging myself to room. It's just one of those days it felt like each second passed as if I'm in a long-haul flight, everything is so tiring. But I wanted to write. The itchiness to write came this morning, when I was three blocks away from my apartment. I felt it again, when I was in the line for coffee (yes I start drinking coffee) and classic donut during lunch. I guess people-watching does not excite me anymore. I was trying to live in the exact moment, but I was lost, I mean; my mind. It was so hard for me today, I was alone and trying to keep the trace of present together but I was lost in between the future and the past. 

When I heard this blue cab honking, I found myself at the pavement walking along the yellow double lines. Sometimes I feel the past and the future pressing so hard on either side that there’s no room for the present at all. I was struggling the whole time. The whole time. I thought I would be okay. I kept telling myself “Dont think too much. Work harder. Go home and get to bed early. Don’t tell others you’re unhappy.” I don’t know how to get through these long nights. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to hate myself.

I keep myself up at night thinking about the things going on in my life. 

Today I drank 6 cups of coffee, smoked 11 cigarettes, wrote 5 poems and altogether spoke 4 words. I don’t know what happiness is but I’m pretty sure this isn’t anything close. You see, I have no fear of jumping from tall towers, I didnt even cringe for crazy theme park rides, I get bruises and cuts everyday, I couldnt remember when did the last time I felt the pain seeing my skin bleeding. I couldnt feel any pain. I dont even know what pain anymore. 

I thought I have becoming into somewhat a fearless one, but I was wrong. I couldnt sleep in a dark room. I have fear with heavy rains. I guess going through the lowest point of my life in years, sleeping on wet pillows because I cried too much in the dark, made me into someone I'm afraid of. I guess that's explained a lot how I stopped having interaction with new people I met, and no matter how hard I tried to start a new relationship, it would just ended halfway. 

I think it has been my unconscious activity to hurt people without me realizing. Then again, I am sorry to all the people I hurt while I was hurting.

I was saving the last piece of myself that's left, that's why.