Just because,

Tuesday, March 17

/long sigh/ I am doing better than last night. Tonight is treating me well, so far. Remember last night when I was crumbling down under my skin? How I talked about reaching a phone call to hear that voice even for just a mere second? How I had the worst downfall for the year, all the bad thoughts came gushing in? Have you ever, had the thought of what if you couldn't make it to the day to say sorry to that person? Have you? Have you ever get choked up to the thought of what if you won't ever get to say the proper goodbye, the last love, to hear that one last voice, that laughs you have long missed. 

I was a total idiot for feeding my ego too much. I admit that part. But last night was surreal. I get that sudden bad feelings about losing someone I used to call mine. I was so afraid, even the word afraid couldn't describe my whole self last night. God knows how I get that cold sweats from holding my phone and wished I could still hear that voice again. Have you? Have you ever trembled over the thought of what if I was too late? The what-ifs and should-Is.

I was fighting with myself last night, to not call and or to call. To talk or not to talk. To say hi or to not say hi. And then there was me, sitting at the balcony on a rainy night, spending that whole night, getting myself back. I had the same laughs and the same butterflies I had five years ago. My hand reached to things nervously, the way I did years ago. And then, and then it hit me. This person, this particular person is the only person who can make me feel the way I do when no one else can. This person made me remember every wrong person I have met and wonder why everything can't just work out like how I wanted it to be. And then I smiled. I knew it. 

I haven't spoken to him for years but when I did, 
we picked up from where we left off. 
It was brief and concise. 
And I do miss you.