Your answer,

Thursday, July 2

Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that maybe, nobody actually wants you around? And it’s not that you think everyone hates you, but it’s just that you’re not special to anyone? And that its really kind of sucky that you’re about 98% sure that nobody thinks “Wow, I just really like talking to her,” and that you could probably just disappear without anyone caring that much? I think it is because I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has. 

But once in awhile, I have this thought of why do I need someone else to complete me? I'm not a half, I am a complete whole. You know what my greatest fear is, right now? I’m afraid one day, I would get consumed by the idea of being in love. But maybe I have been craving intimacy for so long. But. But... to me, intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.

I am so glad for having the best people around me, these days. They made me fix back my self love quality in me, because self love is so important, that’s what they said. Because when you’re all alone and it’s 3 in the morning and you’re lying on the floor crying and shaking and wishing it all would end, who’s going to be there for you? You. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on. At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got. 

So the next time when someone came up to me with a big question mark of “Why aren't you with anyone,” I would straight up say, why? So we can get ice cream together and listen to music, and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure, where do I sign up?