Monday, February 1

I was looking for you but you were not there.

You wrote that. I scoffed at the first sight of that, and chocked up in a second. I went through days wishing that everything was about me when I know it wasn’t. These words, all these writings you wrote can cut me right through. I know you have your eyes for everyone who walk passed through, now that I know you are capable of having one solid feels for just one made me weak. Do you know what the worst kind of love triangle is? One with the girl in the man’s memory. If she existed in real life, I could find out who she is. I could go fight with her face to face. But if she’s locked away in your memory, how do I fight her?

It’s my first night here, back in college. The stings I had at my first puff hold me back from my running thoughts. Fuck, I said. I began humming a melody I thought I’d forgotten as I began smoking again, hoping the words I used to believe in would restore myself. The last room in the shower room is warm and dark. No, not dark, it’s light. Both. It’s like a cramped small room for a lonely person to spend the night at. I hugged my two knees tightly and started shaking. I know this night will passed like before but sometimes I just need a long hug to keep going. You know, one of those hugs where I can hold someone really really close with our bodies touching from head to toe and just squeeze them and bury my face into their neck. I just want one of this hugs from someone who truly cares and will hold me for a long, long, long, long time because they know that they need it and I know that they’ll stand there just for me. I just need a hug like that right now.

I always say this to myself but tonight this writing is for that person. I know you are looking back for your old love. I know you are looking for her. I know her smile made your mundane day, that day, when I was the first person who showed up in front of you. I know the thought of wanting back your old love is driving you crazy that you can just drove passed me without noticing me. I was there, all along. I had you in my mind at 3AM when I woke up from my sleep, I had the thought of you at 3PM in the middle of my laughters over stupid jokes at the dining table. I acted like I didn’t care, but it made me miss you again. Fuck you, no seriously, fuck you for not seeing that.

If only you just stick with me. I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you’ve finished all yours and are still hungry. I will never be rude to your tummy — when I hear it growl and gurgle, I will run to your car at the oddest hour because you need a buddy for mamak food. I will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. I’ll try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will pick up all your late night calls even when I’m already asleep just because you need someone to rant to. You probably deserve someone better but I swear no one wants to wake up to your face as much as I do. I won’t run, I promise I won’t. I won’t turn away when I see you at your lowest, I’ll stay. But I guess you just can’t see what am I capable of giving that’s why you left me hanging. You walked away and that’s your worst mistake but you didn’t see that.

And you are not even sorry for that, so fuck you.