Monday, January 25

I met the wrong person again.

“He didn’t mean to hurt me,” I said, “maybe that’s the worst part. He was just talking about his feelings, and his feelings just didn’t involve me.” And suddenly, I found myself again at the same spot. The same starting point at the endless cycle of left hanging and abandoned half-way. You see, I always have the worst luck when it comes to starting over. It’s just another God’s way to say that I am not for this, I don’t deserve to meet a person and just *snap* to get that knot in the stomach and to have those moments of giddy feet dancing in the air while I’m on the bed waiting for a goodnight text. I don’t deserve even a bit of blood rush on my face when I met that person’s eyes, exchanging glances with me. Now that I think of it, I really think I’m one of those people who is meant to be alone.

It’s kinda cool how someone can just pop into your life all of a sudden and become so important to you within such a small amount of time. I think that’s what makes life so interesting though. There’s always a reason to be hopeful for the future because you never know what good things will come your way next. But also, in return, you don’t know what the future has in store for you. It’s literally a ride-or-die, either way it goes back to you and your lonely soul. But I bet on everything you are going through right now, is actually preparing you for everything you asked for. You just need to come off stronger (and better) to see that.

Sometimes you will be reminded, but you also must be able to remind yourself. Tonight, still with my towel turban and in weird posture of a sitting Buddha on pile of pillows, I remind myself — over and over again, to never settle for someone who is not even my worth. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Remember that. Theory that I have for these kind of people is that, I was there to fill the void of having someone to talk to when at home but not feel the pressure of commitment. And what’s more saddening than that is, I could say that I’m used to it.

But I believe that there’s such a thing as the Law of Luck. It basically describes the set quantity of luck, in which you will receive good fortune in the future equal to the amount of misfortune you currently face. In my calculation is that, one day, one fine day, God will pay me with a good person, who is just enough for me. Just enough that he could comfort me with words like “You’ve got to stop being so hard on yourself, I’m already here.” On rough nights, he would just be there and utter things like “I know you are full of wounds but I’m here, I’ll be here.” It’s hard tonight, but I just need to get to that day to hear that and to know that God has answered my prayers. 

When you know what you want, call me.