March just left us.
And now I’m left with things that keep me awake at 3AM, thoughts that drive me miles away from my bed and exhausting trail of fears. You know those things that chocked you up in bed late at night? Betrayal, suicidal, loneliness and falling-out-of-love. Right now, these tied me down to the ground. Like you always imagine the worst case scenarios inside your head and suddenly you woke up and things just got worse and without knowing, it’s happening in front of your face but you can’t do anything and you have no any other choices but to face it with the last string of faith to get through the phase... again.
I think I have this tendency to pour everything I have inside me to the wrong people. To the wrong people. To the wrong people. I choose people to be around with. I get very selective when it comes to people I want to surround myself with. I have no energy left for people who makes me feel shitty. I’ve had enough of that. I have plenty of that kind in my life already and no, I wouldn’t ask for that again. I tend to love people selflessly... in a way that I get really clingy and dependent. Thats’s the way I am. But some people just can’t deal with that. Now they make me feel so terrified of loving because you told them everything you’ve been through and now they put you through it again.
You know when you felt like people just teamed up to go against you? That intuition? And usually you are always right. The feeling knowing that people you thought would take a bullet for you are actually the one who pulled the trigger. Suddenly they squeezed back all the strengths you thought you had. People you used to thanked for building you up, end up being the one who put you back to the dark corner. The irony. People who made you think of all the different things you’re grateful for in life, suddenly become the one who snatch the list. And the people who have loved you, and have seen the good in you — are they still the same people you used to know?
I love people selflessly, I forgot how to love myself. Sometimes I cling to people in an attempt to hold them closer, but this often pushes them further away. I mean how do people do this again? Like facing you with that laughs and cheeky jokes when they talked behind your back? How do people do this again? Do they have some sort of manual for this? Do I need to play with this? For the sake of not wanting to be alone. For the sake of not wanting to crush all the good memories I’ve collected with them. What do I do? Join the stupid jokes cues so I don’t get lonely at nights? Just tell them back you love them too when you are doubting all the feelings you thought you had? I am that selfish am I? I’m 5 living in a 22 year old body is it? Since everything is not always about me... maybe I can do this again for another couple of rounds.
I hate myself too. Don’t worry. We are on the same team.
You don’t have to make that face.