Monday, August 8

Just dedicating my day to start writing back.

I know, I haven't been around for a while. Like I think the last long (ranting) post I wrote was around four months ago to be exact. Where have I gone? Where did all the posts go? Well, I have a better excuse other than the fact that I go to communication school full-time, working my ass off with the pile of workloads (assignments and tests) and try so hard to have a social life. The truth is, I have lost my will to write posts, if you noticed. For the past years, I’ve tried to keep personal shit out of my blog, remember back in 2011 when all I wrote about was boy stuffs? It backfired at me. So I decided about a year, a year and half, or maybe around two years ago to only post about my life, my lonely-rambling-rants, and my travelling stuffs. But now, that has put me in a pickle too. Maybe because most probably I have been growing up writing and bottling my feelings in a place I kept all things that I love, like here. But then I have limited time to stare at the screen at nights to write again, so, unfortunately, that has resulted into a hiatus of blogging for me. But still thanks to my blogging apps that I had on my phone, that keeps me writing a short post everytime I feel like I can’t deal with feelings anymore (well I never good at it).

In this battlefield, we learn and realize things we didn’t know before. A perfect life doesn’t exist. Unexpected accidents happen in life and we make irreversible mistakes, too. But every time we fall and get hurt in life, we definitely find ourselves changed in the midst of it. We realize other people’s pains and we realize ourselves maturing. So... even if we keep making mistakes and failing, we’ll keep growing and challenging ourselves. I despise some people’s mantras on “people don’t change, they reveal who they really are.” Growing up surrounded by shitty people, I started realizing things before anyone else. I noticed that people do change to adapt to their circumstances. Or maybe that’s just their defence mechanism. Circumstances changed how they react to people, shitty people turned them into spiteful human beings, tough days mold them into someone they once hated. With me, people I have to deal with changed my perspectives in life. People I have to deal with create new personality in me that I used to hate. I hate to see myself these days too but when I’m being mean, I think they deserve it.

As pathetic as this could ever sound, I’m glad that I changed. I’m glad that I am not the same person you knew four years ago. I’m glad I’m not the same person 15 minutes ago. I’m glad that lately my bitchiness slipped out of my hand to secure my feelings. That’s the only thing that left in me. I don’t know anymore how do I deal with this shittiness from people around me. From having to deal with a human version of a headache and having to face the same people who never realize that the little things they say/do can irk people around them. If that’s not crazy enough, I have to deal a duplicate/imitation of myself every fucking day... and what I need to do the whole day is hinting that I hate now 70% of her wardrobe just looks like what I have in mine. And as dumb as she can be (that explains a lot about her tests marks then), she wouldn’t notice a thing. Or maybe she was dropped during birth that she can’t take a hint, who knows. Poor thing. I’m not that nice either or maybe just very considerate. Maybe I tend to give in unconditionally but getting shit like this in return is not fun at all. I don’t trust petty people anymore because if you do one thing that pisses them off, they’ll gossip about everything you do instead of resolving things. Tolerating toxic people just to avoid being alone, right?

Each of us carry a past, we can’t run from. With each passing second, it grows, into a darkness we know nothing about. Sometimes all we do is look back, in fear, in regret. Sometimes we don’t face it cause there’s nothing we can change. Sometimes we learn from it. But what strikes the sky is what we can’t consider our past, ever. If we could turn back time and fix that one gap, we would. At least I would. But time weaves by a second too fast. I realized, that as I spend my daylight pondering over the simplest of things, the simplest of situations, life really isn’t free. So don’t — ever — take it for granted. It may well sweep you off and others may not even notice it. Between the lines of fear and blame, you begin to wonder why you came, aye? Very, stupid. I think it’s foolish.

People say psychical pain is nothing compared to the emotional hurt. I do agree. But why would we want to inflict pain on ourselves to such an extend? …and then what? Scars would remind us of the stories we once went through? I think it’s not even necessary. Why would we ever need to show someone that. A strong woman deals with pain and somewhere at the back of her head, she knows she’s hurting, but she can equally pull through that without even inflicting harm on herself. It takes a lot more than just courage to see that. But many young girls these days are too blinded by the fact also because everyone else is doing so. But who’s to even blame them when they aren’t in the right state of mind. Pain can be so painful in every aspect of the word… Oh well, it took me growing up to realize many things too.

Someday I guess people will too.