Sunday, September 4

“Because that’s the kind of person you are. You are compassionate and caring and sometimes too much that you feel as if you have to be that kind of person for everybody else. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s overwhelming and will continue to overwhelm you until you have nothing left inside of you to give. If someone treats you like you are unimportant, it is a reflection of them and what they value out of relationships. It is not a reflection of you or your worth as a person. You don’t have to prove your importance to other people.” — my favourite person.

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17, I’ve learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

And because of that, I’ve becoming socially selective now. When I am alone more often, I truly value the time spent with other people. Whereas once I used to do things out of obligation, now I don’t waste my time like that with other people. Maybe it’s someone that used to be a potential love interest that always gave me mixed signals or maybe it’s one of my friends from college that’s a terribly flake. Either way I’m just kinda like ‘hahaha nope’ when I see their text pop up on my phone. It’s scary isn’t it? How people/circumstances can change me in a few blows? Like how the same boiling water that softens the potato, hardens the egg. I guess it was about what I’ve been put through, changes me. Or maybe I’m just tired of being used, being put at second by people who were my firsts, belittled me daily and made me feel small. I am all aware of not everything is about me but there’s almost no one tried to hold on to me a little tighter like I did.

So here’s the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. They see the best in you when you don’t need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word “busy” does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don’t. And you wonder why they’re the most sensitive people. You wonder why they’re the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is not so essential to your well-being. It’s because they don’t make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they’ve earned and you accept the love you think you’re entitled to. Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don’t become gray out of no where. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while.

I’ve turned into someone I really hate and it’s scary.