Thursday, September 29

I’m making myself used to staying up late at night at your balcony these days. Or maybe whenever I fall asleep in your leather couch, my body knew you were home when it hears the door beeping after your key-door password. I’m adapting and it’s not easy as it sounds like. I’m so used of living alone and now I’m adapting having someone around once in awhile and left alone most nights. It feels like I’m one of those expensive cat breeds bought to just fill in the space for the lonely owner and left locked in the cage most days. 

I will always left with the thought of am I doing the right thing? I’ll never know. Maybe I should give this a try, I said. I’m a vulnerable person whenever I allow someone to come in and that’s like the worst thing that could ever happen at this age. It has passed years and now I’m letting my guard down little by little to see if I can work things out. I’m scared and terrified. Thunder storms scare me at my darkest nights but having the thought of losing someone at any time is the most terrifying thing that had me shaking late at night. You saw that, you knew.

People thought I was the happiest when you came. I scoff. People didn’t see me keeping myself busy whole time so I won’t remember that I have someone to tell how was life treating me. People didn’t know how I fought my anxieties alone late at nights even though I have you now and worst, you know how to handle me but you were never there. People didn’t see me waiting to see your face in between your shifts and see you coming to me with blood splatters around your face. People will never know how does it feels like being in someone’s warm arms after a long day with that musty blood smells that prick me.

When people see me going out frequently just to make my way out between your busy days, did they know that most of time, we only had one mug of latte before you need to rush off after a call? Most of that rusty days, we were just about to continue what we left out on the last meeting but that probably doesn’t work when your phone beeps hysterically again. It’s crazy. And then I remember you said we will get through this. It soothes me a few hours but not when I was left alone and forced to drive back home during the last stretch of highways on gloomy nights.

I don’t know if I could do another round of waiting for three hours on lunch date we promised at noon but emergency department needs you in the operation theatre for a trauma surgery so you left the hospital three hours later only to find me at the corner of my favourite café soaked from the rain mist. I don’t know if I could do another round of waking up to a memo of short text saying you’re sorry. I’m not sure if I could make it for another nights being convinced that I’ll probably get through these.

If one day you stopped asking me to stay, I would run away. If one day you stopped convincing me to stay, I’ll probably would disappear. If one day you grew tired of making time for me, I wouldn’t stick around. One day, just that one day you slipped and did the wrong thing, you know what would I do. Because I’m never sure of myself, I’m afraid you will too. I’ve lost myself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing me before, that’s why.