Wednesday, October 19

Five more days before this first half of my last year to end. Five more days before I could spend another month at home in bed not caring about the world and anything else. Just another stretch of five days before I could see that face at the front door waiting for me and just nod to every “let me be in your arms for one more minute, it’s been a long day.” Five more days... just five more days before I could have someone in my bed to talk about how exhausting this life is. 

I had him sleeping on my phone wallpaper today. Thought it was a good idea to see him sleeping (in that freeze time) so that I know he’s doing fine... no it’s not. All I know, I ended up staring at the phone wondering what he has been up to while I’m still revising for Broadcasting. It’s raining tonight, this comforting chill of the night air makes me think that maybe, maybe being sad isn't so bad after all.

I still had your favourite sweatshirt with me at my terrifying nights to, maybe, comfort me. You know how I always find myself in your favorite couch on rainy nights because your room is too dark and all I could see is the lightning out of your window panel. Remember those days when you thought I am that girl who can have all the bed to myself after watching horror movies... but then you end up coming home early to tuck me under your arms for nights.

That one night we fought over how am I so clueless playing with the word death. “Don’t go.” “Don’t leave me.” “Stay, stay with me.” That was my first time hearing them. Funny after all these years, I just met you today. Remember how you went from do-you-still-want-this-last-spoon-of-ice-cream to I-love-you-please-don’t-go. There’s that small part of me rings, like how it has always been dead inside there and suddenly it rings that day. I guess maybe if it takes my whole life to meet this kind of person... God, the huge price I have to pay.

The last bottle of Zoloft you threw out of your car last week while looking at me shaking in the back seat. “Sayang... look at me. Just look at me.” That was the last thing I heard before you found me at the car park in the middle of a party because I got stuffy and everything was just suffocating. It is tiring... having a battle with your inner self. And not another episode I had that made you turn your car into your own personal ambulance. That night you thought you almost lost me when you found me in your tub shaking... over the crazy trails of thoughts inside my head.

It’s crazy because I am never sure of myself but you’ve always do.
And that’s what keeps me going.