In time, maybe I’ll get used to having someone in my life but I’ll be another shadow. In time, maybe I’ll get used to be with someone but I’ll be the only wall he wants to talk to at 3 in the morning and I can be nothing more than that. In time, maybe I’ll learn the fact that love is a journey of learning but it’s not for everyone. In time, maybe I’ll realize that no one in this life really deserves my willow self. My 1-noon self who got a way to make anyone smile, warms your lonely heart of stone, making anyone with dull surface glow like a star on an indigo night. Another 5-in-the-evening self full of humor that reaches in and tickles your soul and you find yourself falling completely under my trance. I am curious, not usually smart but know a few things you don’t know, usually wise and has a sixth sense about people. I will be etched in your heart, mind and soul forever but the thing is ― do you even deserve me?
If I let you in, even once, learn how to appreciate it. Learn. I’m too tired of being the one who tries to understand. I’m too tired of being the one who is in silent everytime I heard my heart scratching inside the ribs. I’m not a flower in the garden, you can’t expect that after you picked me in the woods. I’m not the sunshine you used to know, you can’t expect that after getting in through the cracks you first found. I’m not the girl in every love songs you’ve ever heard in the radio, you can’t expect that when you know I’m too much for that. Tell me you know all these things. Tell me you do. Tell me if you don’t. Help me understand amidst all these loud noises because most often than not I would rather hear your thoughts than listening to mine. After all, it’s another thing I have to learn.
In time, I’ll learn that maybe in this life I was destined to be the one who gives. In time, I’ll learn that maybe in this life I was made for you to sponge everything inside me. In time, I’ll learn that maybe, just maybe, I don’t deserve the idea of love I’ve been longing for the past twenty years of living. Maybe I got it wrong in defining what love is. Maybe in the next life, I will meet someone who is in the same par as me, who is in the same page as me. Maybe in the next life, I will be in someone’s warm hug in silence, we had nothing to lose and that day, I will get confidently lost ― not remembering all these aches I get from someone whom I thought was the love of my life in this life as if today.
Maybe, asking someone else to treat me the way I would treat him in return is too much to ask for. Maybe, asking someone else to value me the way I value him is too much to ask for. Maybe, asking someone else to be in love with me the way I love him more is too much to ask for these days. Maybe, asking someone else to put me first, the way I do to him is too childish to ask for. Maybe, just maybe we will never be the best reflection to each other in this life. Maybe I was wrong for being too vulnerable at 4 in the morning and let you know things you shouldn’t know. Maybe it was my fault for giving you the right to make me feel like I’m just an emotional punchbag to you. Maybe, just maybe it was my fault to start with, to give you the right to make me feel lonely more than I’ve ever felt before.
Funny how after all this while, I have all the control in my life before you came and suddenly here I am having all these fleeting feelings of unworthiness of a living. Isn’t it funny, how the table has turned. I thought I did the right thing to let this person in this time, God sometimes I don’t know how to play all these games anymore. One day, I woke up like the luckiest person sparking inside me with this feeling as if I saved my country in my past life. One day, I woke up and I am just another person who questioned my whole entirety in this person’s life. As if I was there, but not really there. As if he wants me, but not really. As if I was another choice he might looked passed because I’m not that important. As if you never loved the way I do. Maybe I’m too much for you, and you were too late to realize. Maybe, just maybe.