It was not a dream anymore,

Saturday, October 1

Its a heavy downpour over here. My hands were trembling profusely when I wrote this on my black book. I miss Nadiahbs. I miss Neddy. I miss Kutet. I miss those people who used - and yet still, bright my days. Shit. I realize, times grew older. It seems everything have changed a lot this time, I dont know what would happen to me, 10 years ahead. I was totally blank now. I dont know. What. I. Feel. At this moment actually.

I was just hoping to have such a good life like everybody do. To be like certain lucky people like I knew here, For being a genius lunatic like Najmie - the top scorer in my place, who was a headboy and a son to his affluent dad. For being the most beyond compare girl, the perfect one I guess. She is too good to be true. With the best maniac egghead, a happy family, a pretty face and I dont know what else. I just see she's having such a perfect life - way better than mine. I was quite envy her sometimes. Huda is lucky person, so maybe she deserves what she  has now. God never being unfair, I know. Karma's always at the right place. I know I would have mine someday. Thanks Lord.

"Let the rain washed away, all the pain of yesterday."

SPM is less than 47 days (when I wrote this). Fucking forty-seven-days, yknow. I had goosebumps when I heard 'SPM' and those issues of covered up things being spoken out. I just want everything to end really soon. Really really soon. But I was not that ready and not prepared at all. Ugh. I was a t my bootom of my life now. Real deep one. I as not being called as 'Best-student' anymore. No more awards at the stage. No more being called to answer and teach others for any hard questions. I was once a tutor, now, I was the one who being taught by the tutor. These hurt me sometimes. I envy who were at the top. I just realize, my place is not always at the comfort zone one. I just have to accept it. I heard my ex-schoolmates also have thier best results, what happened to mine? Haha. Dont ask me. Figure it oout your own.

I'm gonna complete my works, Turrah !

9.20 pm.