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It's already 2.14 am. I'm so sorry to spill everything out all sort of things that I feel now here, deep in here. I don't know, I just feel like crying, crying, crying all the way through when I was typing this. Nothing bad happened to me, maybe because I've been keeping this out for too long since I didn't have anyone to talk to. I've been running away from my past lately but as far as I'm concern, they never failed to chased after me and they'd finally found me. My heart being too fragile tonight. I feel sorry to myself for being this weak, falling to my own feet. I lose in my own games. I lost in my own maze. Nothing's got better.
I was doing nothing, like I always did every midnight, just watching some dramas online. But tonight. I went through my timeline on my Facebook. Scrolling down. And down. And down until something caught my sight. Screaming my name to click on it when the last time I remembered I was clicking to the next button and continue clicking it on this one album. Well, I just saw some photos of this one person, that actually have caught my feeling long time ago.
It have been more than years I left everything behind. I thought I managed to put my mind at ease by leaving him behind, see? I was wrong. I was the only one who is thinking about something I shouldn't have. I don't know what I've been searching for anymore and I'm lost now. So maybe I'm just writing something priceless over here wasting your time reading this, I'm sorry guys. I don't know where else I should spill this out, I'm sorry. Maybe this could help me a bit though just a little.
For the jibitrillionth freaking times, I feel hurt again for my own selfishness. Have you guys ever feel this hurt that you, yourself couldn't help your own self since all faults were just all because of your own fault. Being chocked by a strong ego, getting caught with your very own selfishness. Its hurt. Like a knife cutting through your meat. Like scatterers of glasses stuck at your throat. This very own what I called as 'hurt' that never could be explained through words or either through writing. Nothing could explain how hurt it is. Though you closed your eyes so tight, holding a piece of cloth and screamed while shrugged so you can deceased the pain, but everything failed.
So thats how I feel right now. I'm so sick for being a failure all the time. I'm sick of myself for not being good enough for everyone else in this world. I'm sick for being myself, I never can be a perfect one in everyone's eyes. I hate myself. I hate myself for taking people for granted. I hate myself for coming into people life and leaves them when I feel like I wanted to. I hate myself for failing many times. I hate myself most of the time when I see my own reflection in the mirror. I. Just. Hate. Myself. And no one can never understand me.
P/S : I don't know if I'm the only one who still remember this one word ; D'ZARA.
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