/ I shouldnt write this but,

Monday, March 24

"These days, I notice myself being terrified of learning people. I mean what’s the point really. It’s usually the same thing isn’t it? The past few months have consisted of me asking myself questions, constantly. It comes to a point where I felt so alone, that we are super subjective that how is it possible to find someone who was just like me? You meet people, you meet people that tell you they understand, but little did we realize, that their understanding and their perspective could be different, could even be slightly different from yours. Doesn’t it bother you? That you are your own self. It scared me for a while; I’ve never felt so alone.

I became spiteful of new people. After all, it was like a repetitive pattern. They ask you the ritual questions. Where you live, what are you going to do, what’s your dreams yada and then it starts to become a compatibility test. What’s your favourite music, your favourite movie. You hear answers but deep down, you wish to hear YOUR answer, names that you are familiar with, like an anchor point to connect you to this person with similarities, that if he or she said something that you knew, or liked, then this person could be your soul mate. This is it, this is the one. It’s amazing how in spite of all the failed relationships or close to relationships or dates or people you come across with, you still seek for someone who is just like you. We want something different but we never change."

There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.

It's all started with hi and things just happen. You just woke up the next day and feel different, you just look at the person you just talk to a week ago and you could see thousands of different things in front of you. You just left the bed smiling, looking in the mirror and all you could think is how this stranger kept appearing in your mind the whole day. I think that's how feelings work. It hits you like that at once. Puff. It’s usually like that. There is no time to prepare your mind. Suddenly, randomly, absurdly, it just hits you.

It terrifies me, how things could happen unconsciously, it's like you just lost your power to self-control. I would put all the curse word I've ever known in a sentence to show how stupid I feel right now. It's like my mind and my heart were from two different working system. I looked back again a few weeks before thinking when did all these tingling feelings started, maybe when it was at the gig hall we went to? When it was so dark in there, and our favorite band was under the spotlight but my eyes wandered around and you are the only face I search in the big crowd. Or maybe it was that day we went out alone and I showed you my favorite songs. Or maybe it started the first time I tuck my hair behind my ear and listen to your stories. I dont know. I have no idea when it all started. Maybe we shouldnt stay up late just laughing over each other stupid jokes, maybe you shouldnt have to showed up at my hospital bed yesterday night, maybe I'm the one who shouldnt say hi at the first place.

I wished you're just one of the people I secretly had a crush on. Just like all the people I've found attractive, but never said anything to. Every stranger I've temporarily fallen in love with on public transportation. All the people I've dreamt of and thought of in the early mornings. I wished it wasnt too late for me.