I should've wrote this sooner,

Tuesday, November 4

As I sit here in my studio and pretend to be drafting (when I'm actually just daydreaming), I look outside and the stormy weather has made me oddly reminiscent of my trip last year. It's been ages since my heart last ached to be back in the chilly weather with the ability to layer on a million pieces of clothing. I dont want to complain, but the weather lately has been going really crazy, I cant even survive a day without having to find an air-conditioned room. There this one day I went out without my driver, I told him I'm just gonna walk around Telawi to explore every corners of the little streets for a cafe. I walked around for less than 5 minutes and I swear I thought I could wring my sweats out from my wet shirt, I'm not even exaggerating. I ended up getting myself a Cherry Slurpee from 7-Eleven that day. 

But the weather today has been so good, I spent my whole day here because apparently I've been trying keeping myself together from all the bad vibes that have been tailing me these days. You know I dont usually write at this hour right? It's despicable how a 20 year old girl cant even cope with her own ragging feelings inside. 

I was at my aunt's place for lunch today, and when I had finished my meal, she stopped me with "how old are you now?" I stared at her vacantly trying to find the answer she asked in her eyes before I mumble "20." She started telling me how I should start focusing on my college when everyone that are younger than me already in university doing degrees when I'm still at zero, nada. I tried dodging from any lectures but she swooshed me with 'your mum and dad are sad because of this'.  There there, there where it all started. 

I've been keeping this in such a long long long time. I dont want to write this nor do I want to tell anybody about this. But you do know how your heart works right? I thrive a lot on pain. If I'm hurt, I'll do everything I can to distract myself from feeling anything. If I'm angry, I'll use up all the anger and channel it into doing something productive. These days, I've been sucking up every atom of negativity and channelling it into being a better person. Be it in terms of creative work or even reflecting as a person. I thrive a lot on pain.  

But that was it. 

You want to know one thing? Listen to your heart before anything else. Trust me kids. Growing up made me realized, my parents and the whole entire descent were never right about me and my future. I'm 20 and I have wasted half of my entire life doing things they told me to, because apparently they know what's best. Which is not. Every single time this thing came to my mind, I will always feel like laying on the train rails... for all the times I kept myself from saying 'no' to them. 

You dont want to wake up one day on your 20th birthday, looking at your parents smiling bitterly at you and then it hit you hard, none of you are even happy. Because honey, no one knows what's best for you better than yourself. For all the years I tried to make my parents happy when I'm struggling with my own happiness, I hope I could just skip years ahead so I can forget about this phase. So if you're here to listen to nice words, never ever let anyone else tell you what's good for you because anything you really want in life is thousand times better than what they think is good for you. Bear that in mind. 

There is no right answer in life. No one knows if they'll be happy by getting what they want. Dont look for answers. Right and wrong answers co-exist in every decision. Wise people make a choice and make it the right answer. Foolish people regret the decision and make it the wrong decision. There is no right answer in life. There is only the process to make it the right answer.