Getting there,

Tuesday, January 13

11:58 PM

I was/am having a hard time, not really feeling my best. I was dealing with my Media Studies assignment when suddenly I had this heavy feeling. I dont know where was it from but I'm sure as hell it was a bad one. Have you? Have you ever, feeling alone when you are surrounded with people around you, it kills you more than anything else, it's about time every organs in you are shrinking and every bloods in your veins just dried up...? I dropped my pen and every possible thing I was holding. I scrolled down my phonebook and trying to reach every kids I remembered I ran to when I felt like bursting everything out back in high school years. 

Engaged. Engaged. Heard the you-have-finally-reach-the-voicemail-box-for-the-number audios for God-knows-how-many-time. The third picked up and she was struggling for her final paper tomorrow. The fourth was probably almost sunk in her law book but she picked up. It almost feels like I am in one of those episodes of Who Wants to be a Millionaire where I had the chance for "Phone-a-Friend" to make a minute call to one of a number of friends just to make sure I will have another live. I skipped my favorite girl, for the first time ever, feeling bad to call her up because I had the thought she's not going to pick this call, when did she ever pick up my call at times like this.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone. And no, no I wasn't trying to blame anybody else but myself. I was wrong for mistaken pushing-people-away-without-reason for a natural self-defense mechanism when I was hurt. I thought I was right for allowing myself to terminate people out of my life, to walk away from people and for being angry, selfish and unforgiving. I was wrong. I thought I have done enough for taking care of myself. 

And at that one point of grieving moment, I looked up at the ceiling holding my chest, realizing I was all alone after all. I was left alone not because of people who left me without reason, but for rejecting people out of my life without valid reason. Because when I thought I was cleaning up my life, I didnt but instead, I was bleaching everything out of life and I was left with nothing, nada. I realized walking into 21 is meaningless without anyone I can lean on at times like this. I am empty, like a hollow space, exactly what I feel the whole time. 

I have no one to lean one. To even talk to. To even hear a voice even for just a you-will-get-through-this wish when I needed it the most. And here I am sitting here feeling greatly remorseful for myself to have no one to run to at nights like this. I thought I have been going through a lot enough, fighting my inner demons is never easy and now I have to go through this circle again, again and again. You don't know, you don't know how to win the war with yourself.

And then my favorite girl dropped a message. 

God knows what happened after that.

I owe my life to a number of people, and you are included, Lily. I wanted to write this so bad and make sure I remember this night (for future reminders). I just had everything mixed up again in here *point at my head*. I am beyond grateful for having you around. Thank you for saving me from the night I was so sure I wasn't going to taste another morning dew.