Your offer to the world,

Saturday, January 31

1:22 AM blasting my favorite track from Zino, just one of those nights when my other two roommates went back leaving me alone, meaning that I have this place all by myself and a sleepless night with Marlboros and iced tea. I love being in this moment, alone, to be precise. Until the moment of loneliness kicking in. It's just the same circle, when the 'loneliness' button is switched on, I will get my own place here, writing my thoughts down and get all vulnerable and shits... and that's when my anxiety hits. I am at my lowest at this kind of night, when my flaws could be seen clearly. The crooked teeth, the wrinkles under my eyes, my chapped lips... but not my brown eyes.

Have you ever seen brown eyes in the sun? You don't always notice it at first but you'll see that 'brown' no longer describes them. They melt into golden rays, circling an eclipse. There's nothing boring about brown eyes, not even when the later hours encroach; they just turn into a sunset of their own. You know how when you mix a bunch of different colors together and it turns brown? Like paint or pencils. I guess the darkness of brown eyes is just a mixture of all that someone has to offer to the world, and all that someone has received from the world. In a metaphorical sense, that is. Like all of the stories, the laughs, and the potential in someone. It all shows through the brown eyes. All the moments that make someone love life or question life... all of that, shows through those deep brown eyes. Brown eyes aren't boring. That's what my parents' told me.

I think I am really lucky to have parents like them. Around, first of all. Still together so they can fret over me as a team. I like them best when they are not being so parental, which is like 1% of the time. When I was little, I used to run down, to the edge of the water when the tide was pulling out. And I would turn around screaming when it came, "I'm letting the ocean get me, Daddy! I'm letting the ocean get me." My mom used to watch me like a hawk. She was terrified that the ocean was going to grab me and pull me out to sea. Seeing me growing up, she still look over me as if I'm still that baby girl, terrified that the world would get me, swallowed me and and pull me into the darkest hole. But I know I will be safe, as long as she's around, nothing bad will happen because she's there, watching over me, and making me feel good. 

So here is what I've learned; I hope nobody ever touched your tummy and asked if you were embarrassed by the way it jiggles. I hope if you ever hear those words, you reach out your beautiful fingers and touch the temple of the person talking and ask, “Are you embarrassed your brain works like that?” I hope, no, I pray, that whoever-you-are who still keep reading this, will never lose yourself to someone who isn't worth your time and effort. You are a great person, you should never settle for something less than that. You are the only person who have responsible on your body and your flaws, not your family, boyfriend or even your best friend. Leave, leave if someone is making you feel bad for having curves, and making fun of your stretch marks when you wear your favorite skirt, when you snorts when you are laughing to hilarious jokes that makes you forget about cuts and bruises.

Don't let someone else take control over you.