This one thing about me,

Thursday, January 8

A few days ago, I was asked to talk about myself. I remember how the whole thing just shut off and it went silent for a few seconds until I heard the squeaking sound of the ceiling fan and people breathing in the room. To start with, while habitually clicking my pen, I am very impatient. I have difficulties to concentrate for a long time. I am often disproportionately emotional. I also have to say that I love sleeping and very much enjoy to sometimes not do anything. I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days and thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. I am happiest in places like coffee shops and caf├ęs: surrounded by people, but still closed off and keeping to myself.

I love hanging out by myself rather than a group of friends. At this given point, I have one (maybe two) best friends who are my entire life. I am not a “group of friends” person. I can’t keep up with all that. Let us all be honest this time. Do you ever hang out with someone and realize it’s not what you wanted to do and then you’re trapped for a few hours? I think it’s important to make friendships that are deeper than gossiping and drinking and smoking and going out. Make friends who you can go get breakfast with, make friends you can cry with, make friends who support your life goals and believe in you. If you ever try to befriend me and you expect to be in frequent contact with me, I am so sorry. I do that with maybe two people and even then I often go days or weeks without saying anything before talking daily for a while. The point is if we dont talk that doesnt mean I dont like you and think about you a lot, I'm just terrible at maintaining close relationships.

I remove toxic people from my life unapologetically and without explanation. Trust me kids, free yourself. Do it now. Don’t worry about the consequences, just do it. Do it. You will be amazed how much your life could change if you reject people you don't need in your life. Growing up, I realize I have so much better things to do rather than pretending I like people I'm not comfortable with. I start to cut people out of my life who are toxic. I don’t need an excuse anymore, if I feel like you give me bad vibes, I no longer want anything to do with you.

I have my headphones on 24/7 and in some rare cases, I’ve worn headphones without any music playing so I could hear everything being said around me, without feeling obligated to respond to it. Over time I've discovered how great certain activities are alone. Most of the world doesn’t realize that going to the movies by yourself is so enjoyable, or that sometimes the best companion at a restaurant or coffee shop is a book and the best way to spend the weekend night away is by staying in munching over ready-made pepperoni pizza with Macbook on lap catching up TV series. To those people who don’t know me; I am and will remain that ‘grumpy, rude and anti-social person’ which in reality I'm not. As I get older, I am more likely to focus on the interactions that are the most familiar and rewarding for me. I have less and energy to devote to socializing and I just want my interactions to be as positive as possible.

And suddenly I'm 21 and I'm screaming along in the car to all the songs I listened to when I was sad in middle school and everything is different but everything is good.