Start with yourself;

Friday, February 27

27th February is here, I probably should start writing a post and save it up on draft to be posted on my 21st birthday, I guess? Or maybe I'm just not in the mood to write a celebratory post that I finally legal? I remember a few years back, when I was 16/17, I was a depressed kid who self-harmed and wondered about just how painful it could possibly to end my life. I kept coming back from the ward to my hostel, few times a week. I swallowed pills tbh, that was the reason why I hit the ground. But most of the time, I was just too tired, of life. That was stupid. 

Right now, I'm sitting in the same position like those darkest nights in my life, but feeling a lot better. Then it hit me, it hit me. Life gets better. In less than 10 years from now, I want to lay on the couch, hear my husband reading our 2-year-old a bedtime story using silly voices. I want to be there. I want to be there to see it. And that time, I’ll wake up at 11:30 AM on a Sunday with the love of my life and I'll make some coffee and pancakes and it'll all be alright.

So here I am, wondering, will this night passes off? Like all those nights before? Like those nights I survived from being called names I hate? Those times when the assholes from my school calling me with funny names because they think it's funny? Well they tried to be funny but only succeed at being idiots. All those lowest times when I've been betrayed by my own bestfriends? All the lonely nights I figured out that loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around me but how many of them understand me.

I was hurt. I was hurt by all the jokes, silly jokes people are throwing at me. I dont know, call me over-sensitive bitch, how ever you like it. I dont care. I am living inside me, so I know how does it feels like. To be called "fat" for jokes, to be make fun of. I am not okay, my scoff doesnt mean that I'm allowing everything that you guys are doing for fuck sake. I am never comfortable in my own skin, and you, you dare to point that out for me? What are you? A 5 year-old? 

You don't do that to people. You just dont go around and point out flaw that you see in people. No one is not fully aware of the flaws they're living with. They struggled, and might be still struggling, trying to accept them on their own. If you can't be a help, fuck off. If you are not a good person, and you can't make me feel good with love and life, then fuck off, basically. 

That, my dear, is how you want to live a good life.