11:19PM 28/3/2015
Writing this after puffed a few smokes and decided to put half off in the ashtray I made myself. That was a second cigarette after months and it tasted awful as fuck so I stopped. The rebellious side of me has got to end it is so embarrassing. I have been listening to sickening love songs on speaker and writing notes for my final exam, and... poof! Everything just went black and here my demonic side come kicking in. I still need to survive the battle of running-out-of-internet-data for less than a month before I could put my ass down in my own bed and have a stable wifi. You sure don't know the real struggle when you need to write your own blog post on a notepad file as a draft before getting a fixed internet to post it on. Semester 1 is coming to an end soon, God knows how fast (literally fast like I couldn't' even remember how did all four months just went passed) this semester had been.
People I met in the past few months has been nothing but supportive and inspiring. So glad our paths crossed even for a brief moment. Things would be totally different next semester for not having Lisa, my lunch buddy (slash my only gossip partner), around for the next two years. I don't know if she's ever going to see this, but Lord, I don't know how things would be if I don't have her here the moment I started to build my own two feet on the ground, working on my own fears. She has been nothing but a great friend, to be honest. I have been trying to cope with the other side of me and I started to go out with these bunch of kids from my faculty. I stopped having another episode after spending a few days with them, not until when I was left alone in my own room, alone. I don't know how to put this into words but I hate seeing myself this way. I am very needy that it started to suffocate my own self and everyone around me.
Everybody is scared of something. Working through our fears, conquering them is how we get better. But with me, it doesn't work that way. The minute I thought I have got a grip on my life, then it started to slip off from my hand. What scares me? What fear me? It's me. I am afraid of my own subconscious self. I am afraid of my own thoughts. I am afraid of what I am capable of doing. And because of that, I really think I'm one of those people who is meant to be alone. For once, for once I thought I could hear someone says 'the worst thing you've ever done, the darkest thought you've ever had, I will stand by you through anything'. And that is my greatest fear; what if I will never get to hear someone comfort me with that words. What do people know? When I survived another night, I always felt as if I've just woke up from the death. No... I wanted to die but I fight back to live. I went through a lot. But I can't do anything anymore.
But the thing that dominates us in the end, I think, is the usual habits that we used to do everyday.
And with me, I only have bad habits to live on each day and it terrifies me.