Leaving us all,

Thursday, April 23

فَسُبْحَانَ الَّذِي بِيَدِهِ مَلَكُوتُ كُلّ ِ شَيْءٍ وَإِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ
So glory to Him in Whose hands is the dominion of all things: and to Him will ye be all brought back.

That is the last sentence from Surah Yaseen, this gets me every time I recite it, over and over again. It's the 4th nights since Tok Bak left us to see Him. Allahu, only He knows how we are struggling to stand back to see another day, walking around on the same floor where he used to be, looking over us. Little did we know, that was our last Hari Raya together, our last family photos and the last grasp of his salam was at the cukur jambul that one time I went. Tok Bak is one of those people whom I look up to. His calmness and kindness, and just how he treated everyone, his families and friends, were beyond words to describe. I am one of his great-grandchildrens, the one who always came over to his place just to play around and fed myself kangkung masak kicap with bubur nasi, God, that was one of a hell good times. 

I'm still glad I could make it to the night when he left us all when most of our family members couldn't. The very last moment that I could, vividly, captured, seeing him laying on the bed, motionless. I heard his breathing, but not his husky voice. The last salam, where I held his right hand firmly, letting him know that I came to see. And the only word I could utter that one last time was "Atok..." and then I kissed him because that's it. That was my limit. I knew I couldn't stand there waiting for him to call me back so I walked out from his ward without looking back and went to the coffee machine and drank almost 3 cups of hot coffee to dissolve the ache, but I failed. The last time I remembered was the image of me wailing beside the vending machine holding a dented white cup. 

All these 4 nights of tahlil, seeing a lot of people coming over to pay the last respect and reciting Yaseen, soothes a little the aches we all felt. I am so glad that we all have each other's backs and have let him go with our redhas. I believe he is up there, in a good place, in a good hand. Al-fatihah, we all miss you, Tok Bak.