It comes back to you,

Thursday, September 3

August has left us without we even had the chance to say goodbye, and that makes it to 4 more months before we will meet another new year. How is that even works in such a way? August saw me seeing new people and collecting more people into my life, and of course, in another way, saw me saying goodbye to a person. A few weeks before last weekend, I got Jo a flight ticket back to Malaysia out of my own savings from my weekly allowance just because I need someone to talk to.  Just because. And then I need to see him go again. That’s the thing about airports — it is either that amazing little flutter of the heart or that nauseating curl in the stomach. 

Getting attached to a person is never a good idea. Especially when you do know the clear fact that you have a short list of person-I-could-trust-for-life. I can list you down people whom I really devoted my life to, a real best friend in exact word, in just a second. Because the number of them who could make it is just about... three of them, maybe? Or less. Because I know, the more friends I have, the more energy I could lose along in the process. I guess I don’t really understand friends who demand that you be there for them when they need you, but won’t even reply to a simple text. I’m slowly but surely starting to accept the fact that not everyone has the same heart as I do. Because the things, oh the things I would do for people. But when it comes back to me, (sigh) or maybe I expect too much from people.

No, I’m not going through a painful time. Yes, it is trivial. But why do I have to be knee deep in turmoil to deserve acknowledgement? At the end of the day, the truth always prevails and God blesses and punishes accordingly. You get what you give, you reap what you sow. Maybe, just maybe, I am one of those people who are meant to be alone. Nobody can take care of me like I take care of myself. I am my everything and I no longer seek to become somebody’s everything. Let love be a choice. Over and over again, I choose me.

August saw me forgetting/leaving a person, once, I thought had that chance to be in my life. I’ve been frenetic and haphazard by all these sudden turns but I am reminded time and again how fortunate I am to have what I have. And at that one time, I was glad, that God didn’t answer my prayers to get something I was longing for. You know that time, when you have been taking care of yourself well for so long and suddenly you couldn’t even bear the pain from a paper cut. That mild pain is bearable but it still left me a small mark. I’d just blindly in life to work out and then it would. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I was on the line between waiting and seeking, but not anymore. I really think I should stop looking, I really should.

All this while I was just trying to keep my life together. Not until I started to develop feelings. Oh fuck it. I never knew letting your guard down and slowly letting people in through your wall could fucked up your entire life. I am in no position to be in a competition anymore. If I like you, I like you. But not when someone else is coming. I don’t have energy left to fight for someone whom I’m not even sure of staying with me, for ever. The thing is, I’m saving myself and to someone who actually deserves you more, I’m handing you the chance. No matter how many times I’m being selfless to many things, people will say I’m selfish because of one thing.

For now I just want to be around people who live simply and humbly. They have such a warm presence, that I could absorb from. And to God, alhamdulillah, for everything. Truly, truly grateful.