No Plan B or Failsafe.

Thursday, September 10

I’m basically in silence and trying my best. It’s just 10:28 PM the time I decided to write, it’s earlier than usual, but I couldn’t contain any miserable thoughts anymore, I just need to settle this one down. I still have one fresh Marlboro in bag, but looking at haze outside and thinking about my excruciating sore-throat made me forget about this itch. This time, is different. It’s like I have finally figured out how to work out my life and how to get away from this last level of maze game, but I’m still here, dumb struck. Just tell me where should I raised my middle-fingers up, in front of my stand mirror? Is it?

You know that time when one moment has finally woke you up from your long sleep in your own cocoon? All this while I really thought I was right, for almost in everything, for keeping building a wall around me and then waiting for someone to finally come. I thought that was the right thing to do when that has finally took a toll on me. Because right now, right at this fucking moment, there is no such thing as the right person will come bullshits, no. No one came and no one even dare trying to get close to me because I have turned to be a cold and (almost) heartless person. Who would even want to spend their life knowing a person as me, seriously. 

There is somewhere, inside here, a part of me that I really hate. It’s like if I could turn all these angst and hatred into something right now, I probably would put myself on fire, to watch this part inside me burn off to ashes. But that wouldn’t happen, because metaphorically speaking, I could be burn together as a whole for feeding that part until it grows. Today, I become fully aware of the fact that I actually have a huge ass ego (I would put all the adjectives I know just to describe the size right now). But here am I, stuck, for not knowing how to fix things.

That time I thought people left me, when I kept on mumbling mantras such oh they don’t need me as much as I need them, thoughts like losing people along the way... today, I finally found out that it actually comes from myself, and not from anyone else. To all those people in my past life (and probably in future), I just wanted to say sorry and I’m taking back all my playing-victims games. I was the one who left you, I am so sorry what I’ve said before, it’s not you it’s me. 

I blamed myself for continuously leaving people and complaining about people walking out my life. I don’t have excuses left to defend myself, but one thing for sure, I’m just tired. I walk out because I was/am tired with shits I have to deal with. I flounced out because I thought people would chase me back, I was/am waiting, but no one is coming back. At this second, my greatest regret is that, I shouldn’t have fed that ego until it consumes the whole me and now it turned me to be someone I once afraid of. I constantly left people behind because I don’t want to put up with things that are only draining me out. I would hate myself for staying in a relationship/friendship that drains me more than feeding me. I walk out, I walk out of people’s life because that is the only choice I have. 

To be honest, I have no energy left for people. If you ask me right now, about all those good times we have had together and all the I-love-you’s you have ever heard that sounds a hell of a lot like you can always come home and all the good things we have shared together, are they still a part me? Hell I would say yes, they were a part of me, still are. And to what you are to me now? I honestly would say, nothing change, feelings are still there. I would never trade any memories like those late-nights road trips laughing and singing over our favourite songs in the rented car for something silly like my ego. I wouldn’t dare trade anything like that even for my life. 

But the thing is, it’s me. It is me that needs to be deal with. I don’t want to stay any longer if these consume me. And being selfish me, I want things to change according my way. I want what I want and how I like it. It sounds easy but hell, you know how things are not usually going to go the way how you want it. I am that childish one little pathetic thing. I hate mindless interactions, I despise people who craves the same attention as I do, I detest everyday things like having to take care of someone else’s feelings just because you have a smaller heart than me. I don’t want that in life. I didn’t sign up for that.

Then again I’m sorry, I love you but I no longer want to stay.
I was saving the last piece of myself that’s left, that’s why.