I have lost a track of time since months ago and suddenly it’s the final week of a second semester. From the loads of assignments, number of big events coming up, and tests, I have finally made it to this day. One more event to work on and then I’m done for this semester. Two nights before, I remember staring at the cement gap in the toilet, puffed the first cigarette after months of leaving it. I have a lot of thinking running inside me. Last night, I just cried while eating a bowl of cereal because everything is draining and I’m tired of begging for good things to happen. I was spending my time thinking things I don’t have power to fix, literally like a dead end. There. Nothing.
It’s a jinx really, after an entry I decided to put up of “stay” and then these people are slowly drifting apart. I have been witnessing my boys, one by one, slowly walking out of my life. I guess, that’s life, starting to make its way in. That one night, I saw my boy friend locking his hand with a girl inside our car at the back seat, and my blood gushed to my face, fuck. It hit me that time. I’m losing this person soon. And then the next day my another boy picked up a call to have a dinner with his soon-to-be... then there’s three of us girls finishing our meals weeping internally because deep down, we know, we are fucked up.
I am made up of a collection got-dumped and left hanging for no reason. I’m sorry and you won’t believe me because I don’t look like that. I don’t like myself being this way either, but I really am tactless. So that’s why I was betrayed by my friends and strangers at the same time. I don’t have a clue for things that actually revolve around me. I just don’t know, until someone came up to me and tell me what is actually happening. Someone will always stabbed me at the back if I become careless. And if I opened up, someone will come in and left a wound. I don’t talk about it if it scares me, I laugh harder when I’m scared. That’s why, that night when all of us were at the beach in a circle, I laughed even at the silliest thing you guys said, because I knew, that would be the last night we will be together.
People keep reminding us to never let the good ones go, but what if the good ones never intend to stay at all? I’m a mix of sadness and sarcasm and love and racing thoughts and yearning and dirty thoughts and intermittent happiness and hope. I have yet searching for people who would accept me as a whole, who deserve me at my best, and even at my worst. Awhile ago, I have been asked when was the last time anyone ever told me how important I am... I was perplexed. I don’t have an answer to that stranger, so I left my ask box, unattended.
I still have no courage to answer that question, I don’t even dare to find the answer. Not until I remember that one time I stumbled upon a vlog from a girl, and she actually mentioned my name when she answered someone asking who she often looks up to. I was there, literally gasping for every air I could get that night. It’s not that I feel as if I was important to someone, but I was oddly happy knowing that someone, somewhere out there actually know that I exist. I received tons of messages on my ask box on a daily basis, most of them are hate messages (we all know that) and some came from people whom constantly remind me how much they favour me. That what keeps me going. That there are people who look up to me, and I should be there for them to mirror their best. Although I have to mask my bad side, but all I’ve ever want to do is to make these people happy.
Last weekend, I remember a picture in my head of a dinner table with two of my classmates. We talked over our meal about things until we reminisced the first time we met. I was in faze, silently trying to pick up any memory left of that. I couldn’t find any. I saw her talking every details of that day, but I wasn’t there at all until she said... “I remember that time when you refused to meet your eyes with me. I don’t hold any grudge but I just wanna know why.” Then I clearly saw those days when I tried to push everyone away from me.
And suddenly, she’s here sitting a seat away from me, telling me how she always wanted to be my friend. To at least, crawl the thick walls I built. It hit me, I was waiting for the wrong person to climb over that wall. I was blinded by the fact that, love, only comes in the form of a man. I have been pushed around and left hanging for so many times until one day I just stopped clinging to people. And then knowing that someone out there actually wants to be in my life today made my bones crinkled up. But really though, people who genuinely make efforts to be in my life is my favorite kind of beings. Hugs to people who ever felt left out and isolated, you deserve to be surrounded with people who make you feel content with your life.
And right now, I’m plotting the next chapter of my life.
If you want to stay, then stay.
If you want to stay, then stay.