Just once,

Tuesday, October 13

I write something down and stare at it for an hour or so wondering if it is any good. 

I light another. 

I had passed that phase of finding physically good-looking men, attractive men a long time ago. There is really so much more to a person, really. How one carries himself, how one holds a conversation and the substance of that conversation, how one treats others. How he looks at you when you talk about things you love doing. How he treats people who are important to you, and his temper when things go off for a second. It’s so much more than a look, and his level in the society. As I’m getting older (ish), I have realised that your attraction to people has very little to do with the way that they look, to be honest. 

I’m highly attracted to someone who has been through things in life. I don’t want someone who is always rainbows and butterflies. But, people scare me. One moment it’s “I love you” and “you make me happy” and the next it’s “I’m not sure anymore” and “this isn’t what I want”. If only I can casually tell people what I am. I'm too old already to live on the edge and wear my heart on my sleeve. I’ll just stay safe behind these walls I built, thank you. 

Maybe for now, I enjoyed living my life from the safe side, people-watching excites me these days. That never-running-outta-things-to-tell-to-each-other/talk-about bit is one of my fav things to witness in people who are in a relationship. Being called sayang is probably one of the nicest things in the world. You won’t realise how lonely you are until you’re happy and excited about something but you have no one to share the news with. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. 

I’m easily deceived by people because I always want to believe they have good intentions. To have faith that there’s good in them. But it’s a slow process. I have met a long list of wrong people all my life, it irks just by thinking how people don’t act the same as the first time we met. How they even sleep at night, blows my mind. Or maybe they have their own reasons and pains, that’s what I think. People need to be kinder. Life is already hard as it is. It's sickening really, this cycle of hurting and getting hurt. But it comes in a package with those butterflies in your stomach. The irony. 

Oh God, how old will I be before it gets creepy that I have such a depressing blog. 

How long do I have? Tell me.