It’s Always Been You

Friday, November 20

Six years passed. 

I wasn’t the same as the last time you left me. I guess I was never the person you thought you used to know. Then everything went dazed... faded. These days, I started to regret the moment I angrily turn away and leave. I think that at some point, you stopped chasing me and all I could do was chase after you until I couldn’t anymore. I had told you before that I was afraid that people would change after getting together because I’d seen it happen too many times. And I guess I saw it happen yet another time. People always say that it hurts at night
 and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3 AM
 is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.
 But sometimes 
it’s 9 AM on a Tuesday morning
 and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up. And the smell of dusty sunlight and earl grey tea makes you miss him so much 
you don’t know what to do with your hands.

At one time, I got confused with my own self, I’ve lost touch with the reality since awhile ago and it’s a shame that I could still walk around like I have all the controls in my life when in fact, I don’t even know where my feet is going to take me that day. It’s the wickedest game I have ever played. It’s unfair, really. How I could see you are going through your days like you are totally fine and then there’s me, who forgot how the bright moon looks like. For gladly living through the six years holding on closely the mantras, I don’t think I am even close to forgetting your silhouette.

Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone – I said. In the midst of this I will learn about myself. I will grow, I will figure out what inspires me, I will curate my own dreams, my own beliefs, my own stunning clarity, and when I do meet the person who makes my cells dance, I will be sure of it, because I am sure of myself – I keep on reminding myself, every single day. Then here is “one-of-those-days” where I totally caught up with my own thoughts and made-up scenarios cornered in this dark room.

I guess I will keep counting to the days when I totally lose the sight of you. To days when the bits of the memories are scrabbled that made me give up to put into its own place. I am looking forward to that day when I can go on a day without having your name passed my head when I’m driving alone rummaging my handbag for a pack of Marlboros. It feels scary now I am slowly admitting that all these while, these writings were for you.

It has always been about you.

Six years passed, and I’m still here waiting for you to come back.

Just come back to let me go.