Sunday, January 17

How terrible is it to be called beautiful, smart and strong but end up being alone every night. 

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘look at that pretty girl’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. 

Or in another odds, you have the what-ifs or just-maybes running inside your head on a long treadmill until you can’t keep up with it anymore. He may love you. He probably does. He probably thinks about you all the time. But that isn’t what matters. What matters is what he’s doing about it, and what he’s doing about it is nothing. And if he’s doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn’t do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life. That hit me just right. And then Lily dropped something on my inbox, maybe you should go with the flow and enjoy the feeling of liking someone without expecting anything in return. I literally felt like someone just soaked my head inside a bucket of cold water and woke me entirely up, so here I am jotting down every feels that still linger around me.