Friday, January 15

It’s the first gloomy day in Melaka today, and to make it worst than just a cold and somber day, it’s my first weekend alone. I went up for my favourite spot while holding Drifting House on my left hand just to light up my first cigarette on my empty stomach. I could still feel the surges of blood whenever I think the idea of being alone at a foreign place. I rest my head at the wall... staring at the little gaps between the tiles. For a brief moment, I lost myself somewhere else. For that seconds I ran away from my own crouching thoughts, I said to myself, how long does it takes for me to find someone who could make me feel this way?

I’m tired of depending on a pack on my daily basis just to feel less lonely. It plagues me. Being outside isn’t enjoying nature; it’s an opportunity to smoke. Driving isn’t an escape; it’s getting in my car and always travelling to the same destination, reaching for my pack. It’s a social crutch and a motivational handicap. How do I get away from this? How? How do I run away from my thoughts and drowning state? Will I ever make it? It’s not all about those lonely nights anymore, it’s noon and I was surrounded by my friends, and I still get lonely in the midst of the laughs and stupid jokes cues. It’s like one of those moments when you chug a fifth of alcohol by yourself and everyone around you is too busy cheering to wonder how empty you had to be in order to do it. 

Fuck this. I don’t know anymore.